I wish I could just throw up here. But… truth be told I cant some stuff is not mine to tell.
This has always been my get out, my way of explaining things I cant verbally say and here I sit for the ehhh about 12th time writing a blog and wondering will I delete this one to? I swear the last three months have done everything but made me skinny. I think I have slid right into a mild form of depression and I guess I thought my sanity was somewhere between a bean burrito and just not eating. I cant even write right now with so much going on in my house.. so lets take a pause.
Well it was a month when I wrote the above.. I actually talked to a guy friend of mine today about some issues that he was having and how I try and cope with the curve balls that life throws directly at my vagina.. I told him I used to blog, but I was to scared to let my hands do the explaining because at that moment I didnt know what they would have to say. Maybe I was scared to? Scared of what they would have to say *shrugs* I’m not really quite sure. All I know is this is like going home drunk and your dad or mom being awake and you having to make eye contact with them. Its ether going to go really good and them tell you to go to bed or its going to go really bad and you are going to be grouned for the rest of your life.
I almost said Fucking to one of the kids tonight, after I almost let it slip I walked in to my room and just started bawling my eyes out.
That’s how over the top my life is right now.
That’s not me, that’s not the mom I am, that’s not the person I am..
I think I am always wanting to do the right thing, whats right is what I ask my self on a constant. Not what do I want to do or what should I do but what is the RIGHT decision to make. Man, the right decision sometimes gives you way more than you thought you were willing to bite off and then you are basically stuck chewing that for ehhh… maybe the next five years or so? Knowing that you make the right decision is important but lets just learn from me and say before you jump on whats right maybe you should also think about the long run before you do so.
Today is a hard day, and I say that openly.
Today is a hard day.
But guess what, courage does not always roar sometimes its the quiet voice at the end of the day that says we will try again tomorrow.