Five on Friday

Posted in 30ish Blogs 30ish Days, Five on Friday
on June 2, 2017

Don’t want to read? Rather listen? Now you can!

Ahhhhh Fri-nally!

This week has FLOWN by but has totally dragged ass if it can do both. So to take up some space I am going to do 5 on Friday, on Friday’s this is where I give a recap and touch on five things throughout the week.

Schoooollllssss out for summmeerrrrrr

6th 2nd and 7th

This school year has seriously flown by! If you remember we bought our house a year ago ( a few days ago) and I was super worried about the kids starting a new school, if they would make friends, them walking home and so on and so on. I swear I blinked and they are done! I can NOT say enough about Saginaw school district, and that is me coming from “the best” which is Keller. I have to tell you I would pick Saginaw ISD over Keller ISD every day of the week. If you have a perfect kid, Keller will be great for you, if you have a kid that struggles, steer clear, just my opinion. But, Gaige is going to 8th freaking grade……. 8th grade! This is the LAST year in middle school before I have a kid in high school…. I may or may not have wanted to breath in a paper bag a few times when I let that sink in… then you have the I met his dad when we were in 8th grade… the summer going to 8th grade, thats when the whole “boy” thing got serious, and I was a late bloomer! Which means everyone was kissing and stuff way before I was… soooo that is what “stage” we are in, and its fucking scary… He is a GREAT kid though so I am not to worried.. Briysen will be in 7th and is SOOOOOO excited about middle school football, and ummm I am to! No more Pee Wee games late on Saturday nights or practice 6 days a week!! That makes me uber happy… They are both doing conditioning camp this summer, so that will be good! Lillian will be going to 3rd so I am still soaking up all the elementary stuff and will keep doing it..

Time goes by so fast and they are getting bigger but ummmm I totally still feel young ( most days. )

Summer camps, church camps, day training, vacation… all of it. Oh and eating me out of house and home….  Not ready for that.

My Hair.


So today I went in to get my hair done and my gray covered up…

Y’all… I would be full gray if I didnt cover it up, I confirmed it with heather today.

Full gray.

Thanks Mom & Dad.

And next time I am chopping it all off I have decided…. I know I know I struggle with this sooo bad but, I have VERY thin hair like old lady thin, so the length is the length it is but we had to put some “filler” extensions in and I have been letting it grow then filling it in for a while year, and I am totally ready to wash my hair normal and put my hands through it without feeling an extension. I totally could leave it the length it is with out the extensions but then it will be see thru and gross… so its either keep them or cut it and I think after a year I am ready for fun hair for a while.

I will totally regret it I already know.

My fucking back.

So, I am not sure if I blogged about it or not but… 2 weeks ago I did a dance class and a yoga class in the same day and did something to my back… to the point where I havent been to the gym but once ( this week) in two weeks, had to pause my dance class and take meds every.single.day. I went from being un able to sleep at all, to on the floor, to cant tie my shoe to now I am able to bring my stretch deeper and I hurt but I am not in “pain” unless I try and go to sleep at night… then I have to roll and roll until I find a place I can stand it and fall asleep. I have taken relaxers, meds, ice, heat , massage you name it.. and its still there. So this next week I have an appointment on Tuesday to go to he dr to get on steroids and get an MRI :/  Although its better, its still not “okay” and I need the MRI to show me if its just pissed at me or if I have re-herniated… and tbh, at that point if I did infact really hurt myself again I dont know what I will do.. because I dont think I am up for a surgery #2… Before I didnt want to try anything else I wanted to say fuck it, fix it and then I will heal… this time, I think I will try other options IF i infact did hurt it again…

Its so annoying and stupid.

And I was in my happy place teaching dance… and Im super scared that will just get ripped away form me again.

but I am praying it wont.

Book of Faces

On a hyadis ( how do you spell that ) After this whole birthday thing is said and done it is taking the back seat.

I am addicted.

So as many of you know, that know me I dont like tv… and it takes a lot to get me to get “into” a show. Like the shows I have watched are: Dexter, Sons of Anarchy, Orange is the New Black and This is Us. Like finished from start to end ( well this is us isn’t ending but you get it)

So my girl friend Heather told me about a show a few months ago that she loved and this week when I was going to the gym, I needed something to bide my time while I walked on the treadmill so I wouldn’t want to go lift weights.. ( I wanted to see how walking and elliptical and bike felt first) So I went ahead and downloaded Amazon Prime Video and started watching Animal Kingdom

Oh Honey.

If my list of shows looks like your list of shows you need to go watch season one and the 2nd season JUST started Wednesday on TNT….

Think SOA but instead of bikers, it’s surfers… with a mom more fucked up than Gemma.

And just so we are clear that I called him first, Craig is mine <3 Something about that boy…

You’re welcome.

Need something to listen to while you drive to work? Welp, now you can listen to my blog instead of read it! Follow me on Podbean HERE  Its just me reading the blog, plus I forget some stuff so there is extra added 🙂 I am hoping one day that I can actually have a Podcast! But that is way down the line..

Oh my restless heart of hearts

Posted in 30ish Blogs 30ish Days
on June 1, 2017

Hate Reading? Would Rather Listen? Now you can!

 

Welp, Hello June!!

Am I the only one who wants to sing heyyyy Junneeeeeeeeee ( I know its Jude don’t be a sour puss) 

So this is the month I am to write 30 blogs in 30 days.. I started thinking about that yesterday and what about like 5 blogs a week instead of 7? I mean I know that I will have a l ot to say being off Facebook for 30 days but, I mean do you really want to read my bullshit every day?

Every. Day.

Let just see how it goes Mmkay? Or Id love to hear from you.. Yes for the 30 days or lets just get the good stuff… ( as if anyone really even reads this shit, I am flattering myself)

I just got done failing a work test online, yep well… I made a 70% and you have to make a 75% to pass… here is the deal I SUCK at test.. and I suck even harder at a watch a video for an hour then answer some questions.. I watch it I really do/did but in that process I thought about how long an average penis is, what color was that girls lipstick today, how long has it been since I’ve gotten my camera out, do the kids need lunch money on the last day then all of a sudden I hear this guy in my ear talking through my headphones about sales dashboards…. Squirrel??

So its not that I am an idiot, I just HATE test, timed test especially and I cant focus…

Sucked at school Rocked at life.

You make an A on a test and fail at changing a diaper… I Make a C on the test while changing a diaper changing a flat and opening a beer with my teeth.

Class Act Y’all.

( Ps I have never opened a beer with my teeth.) 

So… so much going on so much to say but so many blogs to write so I will keep my ADD in check.

In May I added an event to my bucket list, this made me think about if I have ever shared it before, so lets play like you care, take notes and maybe help me cross a few of these bad boys off shall you.. Its called my Restless Hearts Bucket list well because its ever changing.. I never mark off just add to it..

My Restless Hearts Bucket List

Travel to Ireland, Make sure it is as GREENNNN as I need it to be, meet a Leprechaun & sit in a pub and listen to live music.

Go to Rome, add a love lock and pass it down to my grandchildren

Go to the airport, dont ask questions… get a ticket to the next flight out of town, dont ask where it is!! Just go… Make sure and pack for anything.

Have fresh flowers on my table for a month

See Aerosmith in concert 

Dance with my dad

Have dinner or drinks on a roof top

Go to the Military Ball ( side note this cracks me up.. think it may be to late ya say?)

Sing Karaoke 

Witness something bigger than myself, greater than myself

Travel by Train

Stand on the very tip of Maine

Stay in a bungalow in Bora Bora

Visit Montana, see a real wood chopper, yep like Paul Bunyan  or the Brawny Paper Towel Man

Laugh until your face hurts

See REAL snow, big fat snow… fluffy, snowflakin’ snow

Stay in a cabin with a hot tub on the patio when its cold out.. have a beer there, and in the morning wake up and have some coffee in the front.

Try to Surf

Go to Vegas blow on dice before you roll em’ 

Drive a 1973 Stingray with Aerosmith blaring and the t-tops off

Join a team

Float the river

Get kissed at the drive in

Make amens even if its only one sided

Do something that makes you happy, even if its selfish, do it for YOU

Find your soul mate even if its just to tell them hello 

Tan on a nude beach

Have babies – document it 

Go to a New Years party where you have to wear a fancy dress, get kissed at midnight.

Write a book about my life, the real stuff…

Go crazy! Do what you thought you never would with no judgment have fun! 

Have many adventures but always come home

Swim in the coral reef.. be a mermaid

Find someone you love more than you love yourself, don’t let them go.

Create a charity

Go skinny dipping in the moonlight

Kiss a man with a full beard and pretty mouth

Just Drive

Ride in a hot air balloon

Go to Rio to witness the beauty of love they say is there at night.

Ride a cable car

Ice skate in Central park or Read on a blanket in the lawn.

Take a picture a day for a whole year.

Wine taste in California

Fall in love with everything

Verbally tell someone your story, the complete, truth.

Travel to another state on two wheels

Float in the dead sea

Find what calms my restless heart

Run/Walk 5K

Help someone else’s dream

Have Kids

get married

Go to Virgin Islands

Stay in a house on the lake, where when I walk outside I can sit in the dock and breathe

See my kids get married

Own a boat

Plan for your death so your kids dont have to

Plan for your future so you can relax when youre old

Live on the lake

Go to England

Take the kids to Disney

Get magically passionately kissed at the airport

Get a tattoo that means something

Run a whole mile

Go to Canada

Be enough

Hold a teenage octopus

Take my sister on a trip 

Take my mom on a trip

Learn to let go

Get in the best shape of my life, if just once

Get dreadlocks

Kiss in the rain

Swim with sea turtles

Watch the sun set and rise in the same day 

Take a picture of every house you’ve ever lived in

Attend a masquerade ball

The Price is right…. need I say more?

Start a podcast

Be the best in my line of work

Have a job that I travel with

Own something from Tiffany’s

Take sexy pictures where I actually feel sexy

Do 24 hours of silence

Have a sit down & ask any question I want and be prepared to answer any question needed

Shoot Skeet

Take a pole dancing class

Teach a dance class

Would rather listen each day than read? That’s cool follow me over at PodBean!

http://crystalmichellesmess.podbean.com

Why is it not Sunday? – Weekend Wrap up.

Posted in Weekend Wrap up
on May 30, 2017

Would rather listen instead of read? Welp, now you can!

“Long” weekends always throw me for a loop I swear.

Today is Memorial Day and I totally feel like its Sunday, and I don’t have to work tomorrow.. wishful thinking I take it…

So Friday

Totally got my ish done early at work on Friday so I was able to take the babes to the pool. You know, when we moved in to this house almost a year ago ( time has seriously flown byi cant belive it has been almost a year ) I was super sad that we didnt have a pool in our back yard, that was on my check list! I went from a pool that we were in EVERY.single. DAY to a “stupid community pool” and to say I was bratty about it was a complete under statement.. I mean with it in the back yard we could swim whenever we wanted, I could wear clothes orrrr….. not wear clothes 🙂 I could also swim laps and not have to worry about the babes being at home alone.. it was good therapy for my back.

But.. with a pool in the back yard I also worried about everything….. all the time, like normal times 10.. the kids playing in the back yard, falling in hitting their head unable to get out, the dogs falling in, Lillian going outside when I as sleeping and falling in, other kids that came over falling in.. you name it I worried about it.

Now that we have a community pool that is literally a block away I got to say its nice! No hassle of cleaning it, hearing the husband cuss about why its green or cloudy or having an ocd moment where there were to many leafs in the pool… We can come and go as we please and the kids can play in the back yard and I have 0 worries but we still have access to the pool! Not to mention its not over crowded, which is nice…

Because I have a hard time peopleing.

Saturday-

Lake day.

Much needed lake day.

Brandon was home from the Marines for the weekend so we spent it at the boat, cooking, eating, swimming and more eating.

I’ve literally done nothing but eat since this back bullshit.

Maybe that is why I have been in this funk… maybe its something else, but I wish it would have its time and go down the freaking road… I hate feeling blah. But I have been just that.. blah, super quiet and blah.  I mean everyone has those days right? or weeks?

Sunday ( which should be today but its not which is weird)

We cooked out.

Family came over.

and I ate more.

and more.

then topped it off with a cookie cake I make.

Which is delicious.

Monday ( which should be tomorrow but its not its actually today and I know this bc I am annoyed by the sound of Street Outlaws I hear from down stairs.)

I have been super lazy…

Lillian has been asking me to pull out this HUGE box of pictures that I have in the garage to go through it. She wanted to see pictures of her dad and I… So I finally pull it out and when I tell you I have 3,000 pictures I probably have 5,000. Its a massive tupperware bin FULL to the brim. What does she do…. It took me 20 minutes to get it out from where it was…. She looks at it for 5 minutes and then has an ADD moment and shes gone.. so now I am left going though this mess…

I laughed. I cried. I gave that what the hell was I thinking face. Awe that’s cute face. Glad I dodged that bullet face. Wonder what would have been thought.

Which is always the worst.

All the feels in all the land were had that is for sure.

And man was I tiny.

I always thought I was so fat!

Someone should have slapped me.

I totally deserved it.

You are enough.

Posted in Here she goes again
on May 25, 2017

Would rather listen than read? Now you can!

Now that is a bold statement.

I feel like this is one of those blogs that I start and write and write and then at the end I either

A) end up deleting it

or

B) have it saved to my drafts and never post it.

So I am catching myself ahead of time so maybe I will know my patterns and not do either A or B..

You are enough.

ugh.

This is something I struggle with personally and over the last few weeks have realized it always seems to come down to this…

I haven’t said anything because I don’t want to fail, but I have challenged myself to write 30 blogs in 30 days starting in June 1st and so I am carrying around a notebook in my purse and when things hit me I will write them down so I can have enough topics to write 30 blogs.. & them not be stupid.. but blogs with meaning and “meat”. When this statement came across my Instagram, it struck a cord with me… I then said these words to myself in my head for the first time in maybe…… ever??  Have you ever said that to yourself?

You are enough.

I sure in the hell haven’t… Never really knew it was an issue to be honest with you…

The more I read it the tighter my throat became.. I saved it as a screen shot and periodically throughout the day I kept coming back to read it again, why… why did this hit me like this? I kept repeating it in my head,  I was saying it but did I really believe it?

I don’t think so….

I don’t think I knew the impact it was having on me..

That is when it hit me, this was it…. this was my problem… not being enough, in MANY areas, but in more depth this has ALWAYS been my issue… and at 34 I had an “Ah ha” moment and it kinda sorta knocked the breath out of me….

You see this statement is why I have ached and worked so hard, so I mean its a good thing yes but when I am knocked down I think this is what I say to myself, you are NOT enough, try harder, do more… I mean this stems back to childhood… Fighting through my brothers addiction for attention… Maybe if I make good grades  my mom will notice me, maybe if I am a cheerleader my dad will be proud, maybe if I go to college my parents will be happy… Through my sisters addiction… Maybe if I am a good mom, my mom wont be so sad… maybe if I get married, my mom will be proud of me, maybe if I have a great job… Then there were men… that is when this really took hold…. & I never even had Daddy issues…. fighting for the attention to be noticed, to be loved…. to be enough. To be the prettiest girl they saw so they didn’t look else where, to be the best mom so they didn’t want to fuck up, to things making so much sense they didn’t question anything else… it was just enough….

You’re really fun, so funny, your eyes drawl me in, I love you…. I am in love with you….. you’re beautiful but it’s not enough.

*stab and twist*

I have always been fighting to be just that “enough”

I think that is why I love so hard, why I hold on to things soooo tight.. why I smother my best friends.. ( you know you like it haha) why I cuddle so close and hard at night, why I have anxiety, why I worry… why I worry that one day I will come home and my husband will say ” This isn’t enough anymore ”  When I wear a swimsuit or jeans and a tshirt wanting to be sexy, going to the gym but not looking like my mind says I should, it not being enough.

Always waiting for the ball to drop.

Its not healthy really…

Maybe its because of so many deaths I have had to overcome? Maybe the “loss” of friendships and relationships?

I have no clue… but it stops now.

Because guess what… I’m a great girl…. a good mom… a great friend… a good daughter and sister.

I am enough.

Some of these things I speak about you shouldn’t have to fight SOOOOO hard for and if you do fight, you shouldn’t be the only one fighting alone.

So, I am putting my sword up…

Making a list of things I want, and if I wasn’t already a capital letter I would have made it one and then bolded the shit out of the font…

I’m enough.

& in the moment that I become not enough, I will then choose to walk away.

Not easily, but no longer with my head down.

because guess what.. I may not be enough to you, but I am enough for me and well… that’s enough.

My demons can’t swim in Whiskey, but they love the taste and they love to try.

Neverland

Posted in Dad
on May 22, 2017

New: Would you rather listen to me read the blog to you in my voice? Well now you can!

This past weekend was a weekend of closure.

I know those of you reading this are probably sick of hearing about my dad butttt I don’t really care.

The planning of my dads final goodbye has been in the works for 5 years now, yes five whole years. If it was timing, being ready, lack of money, family issues whatever it was… it has taken a long time to get to today. I know if you read my blog you read about my little brother burring half of his ashes last month, and then the other half would be his final wishes to be placed in the ocean in California.

This past weekend my sister Shannon was able to full fill those wishes for him & it could not have been more perfect.

I arrived in Cali on Thursday, I needed some time to think, to be and just have that time to come to grips on a few of my own skeletons in my closet & to put my feet in the water, have a few beers and breathe in what the ocean and mountains offer to me each time I go there.  When I arrive in California its mostly always in the city, duh… airport… The further I drive away and the closer I get to the mountains and rolling hills the easier I can breathe. I just simply fall apart and can do nothing and it be totally okay… I dont know if you have a place you can escape to, where you can be you… your worries, cares, and the baggage that you hold on your shoulders just simply disappear.  That is what this place does for me. It took me a LONG time to be okay with me time… I used to think it was selfish, that when I had kids that I was theirs… when I got married I was his and welp me, that was just an extra that I got on a Saturday night after a few drinks but soon to go back away when the kids woke up at 7 am with sleepy eyes and hungry for breakfast. One thing I have learned about my soul is I need those breaks, I need that air.. that quiet time, the sound of the ocean and the whole bed alone with 7 pillows and the patio door wide open as I fall slowly asleep to the singing of the waves as they crash against the rocks…

So, as selfish as I may sound… I enjoy this time.

And that’s okay.

So that is what I did I soaked it all in, and had a hay day with the time change.. I swear I am 80 years old.. at 8pm I could barley hold my eyes open. ( that is 10 Texas time ) My sister was suppose to come that night, change of plans… and well missed her flight…. insert that look of I wanted to punch her in the face… There is a small restaurant bar across the way called Nicks so that is where I went for a lot of laughs, beers,  California facts, an added event to my bucket list which is to hold a teenage octopus, realize that people do not ski on the ocean, there is such a thing as Dog chronic Diarrhea and that all of a sudden at age 33 I can not cross my eyes…. why. no idea.

The next morning I woke up at 5:30am wide eyed and bushy tailed.. If I wake up chances of me going back to sleep are prettyyyy thin, so I decided to grab a cup of bad hotel coffee and walk the beach.. That was my time with God, I prayed and talked… explained what my heart was feeling and tried to come to terms with battles I have within my self. Not sure if he talked back but it sure felt like he did.. I had peace in that moment.

After, I went to the Moonraker Restaurant for breakfast where I was then talked in to ” The best Mimosas this side of Cali” guess they were good because I had 5……. and Pancakes and Bacon.

My sister y’all….Poor thing the next day wasn’t much better for her.. the plane she was suppose to get on had a broken engine, then a gate change, then a stop change, then another missed flight…then you can only get on if there is room… long story short, she made it to me in one piece and with lots of energy..

First stop was to change her clothes.. I tried to tell her that it was cool there and not a “southern cali kind of place” but she still showed up in wedges and a sun dress. Lets just say we had to sit on her suitcase to close it..

The first day was full of the beach… finding crabs, building sand castles, then building them again because a dog wanted to trample it… walking in the waves, crying happy tears and watching as the sun went to sleep in the ocean right before our eyes… it was perfect.

Saturday was the day…. THE day.. meaning it was the day that we would lay my dad to rest.. and man what a spot she picked.

Oh but first we had to climb up there….

There a.k.a a mountain….

When we reached where she felt was perfect we stopped..

I mean I don’t know about you but….. I wouldnt mind going to sleep with the ocean each night and waking up to the sun in this spot.. and I know my dad wouldn’t have minded either.. it was simply perfect.

I brought a small speaker and placed it in her hoodie and turned on Stars by Grace Potter, I then stepped back…. I said my goodbyes Thursday… this was her chance..

watching her speak to him, to God to the ocean and then simply and beautifully spreading his ashes in this beautiful green plush mountain over looking the beach and watching as Gods breath carried them also in to he ocean was a sight to beautiful for words…

He was finally home.

After we just sat there, listened to my emo music and took in everything that was at our fingertips.

Then we hiked higher up the mountain..

We found a meditation maze, a beautiful cliff and got lost trying to go back down the mountain only to find that if we would have just followed one of the local hikers we would have been able to take the paved path…. that everyone else was taking….

I mean if you don’t do it the hard way first did you ever try?

Fishermen losing their bait to seagulls, Shannon falling down the mountain in Keds, cross walks with timers that make me have anxiety, black birds attacking Shannons head, feeling like you have to hide when smoking cigarettes but openly pass a joint with no weird looks, Goonie Rocks, Seals, San Francisco, Closed tattoo shops, Crazy Uber drivers and that wait is to long where is my cup o noodles…

The trip as pretty close to perfect..

And now the closure is complete & my dad can finally be at rest.

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