I mean if you don’t have to do it twice did you really even try the first time?

Would you rather listen? Now you can!

Well lets cut to the chase…

I fucked up.

I need surgery again.

So to read the back story of my back story you can go to my You Tube channel HERE

So a month ago I did a yoga class and the next day I couldn’t sit down, couldn’t lay down… and could barley move.

I KNEW i hurt myself… I knew it… My husband trying to be positive just talked me in to it being inflamed and okay, basically talked me off the ledge.

But deep down in my lack there of core I knew I messed it up.

Doing Yoga… not a roller coaster, or boat ride… or skiing in Colorado, didn’t slip… didn’t fall… not a high dive,  but yoga.

Fucking Yoga.

I tried everything you name it… foam rollers, anti inflammatory’s, cryo therapy, stretching, walking, resting, hot packs, cold packs…

I think I have re written this last part 4 times and then even tried to just record my raw feelings then I realized it was 16 minutes long and I said fuck a lot so here I am back to writing..

So last week I went in to the back doc and when I went in I had pretty much talked myself in to it just being inflammation… I just need steroids and some relaxers.. I have tramadol no big deal just something to calm my nerves down.. that’s all. Welp, Dr Henry just looked at me like um your the doctor or am I? So he did a few touch test, knocked my knee to check my reflexes and sent me for an Xray in office .. which looked great my spine is 100% stable….and in his words “just to be sure..” he said that we would need an MRI with and without contrast.

Just to be sure, cool I can swing that.

Going in for my MRI I am pretty sure I prayed the whole way there and then changing in to my scrubs I started to get choked up… I looked in the mirror in the dressing room and there I was.. The same strong girl who was here just two short years ago. Back in this small room, with the same x large scrubs and the same combination lock. Some how in that moment I knew what the outcome would be.. Ive hurt for to long.

In the MRI machine I laid there still and let the tears stream down my cheeks..

and I prayed.

Envision the place I went to was great to me, and gave me a DVD to take to the doctor.. one thing about being in the medical field is…. you can read those.

When I got home the first image I pulled up there it was..

Today was my appointment with Dr Henry, as he pulled up the images I was very strong in what I knew and what I saw but again I am not a doctor so I knew what he would say but I had a small glimmer of hope that it wasnt what I thought, or maybe it wasnt that bad..

You have re-herniated in a big way… you need surgery.

I lost it… I just started crying, I told him I knew and that I was over that hump in my life that I was on the other side… and Ive done this before and I just… I just…

So… he gave me options.

1 Epidural injections… pain meds & relaxers aka a band-aid until its necessary

2. Surgery next week

3 If the disc slips all the way out you have emergency surgery that day….

I told him thank you and that I needed time to process.

I then asked him can I lose more weight, can I work out, can I go to PT, can I get injections… can I fix this?

He said “Crystal you can lose weight but your not obese, that isnt going to help here… its like you have a rock in your shoe, you can change your laces even change your socks… but until you take your shoe off and take the rock out your foot is still going to hurt and bruise and maybe even bleed because you are walking on a rock…”

I asked about a fusion, he said it was overkill because my disc are healthy.. he thinks one more lamenectomy should fix me… and if not then there is a fusion involved.

I dont want surgery. I have cried so much today that I dont think I have any tears left to cry.

So I have decided against surgery for now… for now.

Maybe that is the wrong decision *shrugs* maybe I will regret that…. I dont know right now. This decision does come with risks.. He gave me things to watch out for like change in bladder control or frequency, also foot pain or loss of strength in my right foot… gone on for to long these things you cant get back.

Which is scary as fuck.

He said its a 95% chance not if I need surgery but when I will need surgery and I understand. Right now my pain is manageable,  when I sleep its a level 8 out of 10 but during the day I am okay-ish. We have summer plans with the kids, and a vacation with the husband and I… and its summer, I cant do that to my kids… I mean I am down for 4-8 weeks and then questionable after that. They deserve a good summer not a summer where mom is laid up on the couch cant move and is walking with a walker and picking shit up with a super grabber. So if or when I will get surgery….. if my body can withstand the herniation and not make it worse I am shooting for September….

Until then I watch what I eat, I keep my body as strong as I can, I walk  and I stay drugged at night hahaha

just being honest.

Through struggle comes strength.

and repeat.

Image from before I ever had surgery ( the one with the circle) and the one from today…. same level, same bullshit.

So guess who missed 5 days…

Posted in 30ish Blogs 30ish Days
on June 9, 2017

Would you rather listen? now you can!

That would be me…

I have excuses though.

Remember my last blog about never drinking again? Well that night I landed myself in the emergency room. Turns out my 2 ibuprofen in the morning and three at night every day for 3 weeks is frowned upon, then once you throw two days of drinking in with it you land in the hospital with a stomach ulcer.

So that has been super fun…

Sunday I knew I was hungover, but I had never had my stomach burn like it was… like I felt like I had an iv of fireball going straight to my gut…

So I took myself in and pretty much they told me your SOL ( in Texas that is shit out of luck ) and you will have to eat a bland diet and drink Mallox like its going out of style and of yeah no more NSAID’s…

I tried to make a joke when I was there by saying ” At least it wasn’t Vicodin” butttt the doctor didn’t think I was funny at all..

With the pain I have been having in my back its the ONLY think that takes the pain away..

But that’s no more.. .got it.

Vicodin it is!

Hahaha only kidding only kidding.

We will touch on the back bullshit after I see the doctor again on Tuesday.. I had an appointment & x-ray & then an MRI to catch you up to speed.

Fun.

Fun..

Annoying.

So last weekend was SOOOOO fun, not ulcer fun but close..

Friday night we met Amy & her family from out of town out at The White Elephant, crazy I am from Fort Worth and have never been to this place.. Its like a dive that isn’t a dive at all but not crowded with a live band annnnddd there are hats dedicated to people “retired hats” on the ceilings and all over the walls. Super cool! Amy’s dad has a hat on the wall! So I kinda feel special knowing someones hat there!

This past weekend was full of music, which I LOVE more than anything!

This band was an old man 70’s style rock band that was pretty good! The guy on the guitar played Stevie Ray Von to a T and that my friends is hard for me to say about many people… He played a solo and dedicated it to his daughter and she came out ( late 20’s ) and danced on the dance floor while he WAALLEEEDDDD on the guitar. Loved it…  got pretty emotional, went up to her and told her how much she should appreciate that.. pretty sure she thought I was crazy.

The next night we went out for The Husbands 41st birthday party.

We went to eat and had a blast ( this is when I started feeling sick) but I drank through it thinking it was a hangover.

So smart. I know….

Another night of bands.

The first band was The Rare Birds from Austin, Texas.

Y’all… they totally rocked out. The bass player was like a young Prince.. and then I found out from the drummer that he could play any and every instrument. Which is a freaking awesome talent to have.  Its just the way they played.. it’s like it was music and not just bullshit, if that makes any sense.

I got a shirt, an ass chewing but a shirt 🙂

Then I saw a guy from school Tony and he was in the next band!

You can see his Facebook HERE

He was telling me he jams full time and that is freaking amazing!

I love to hear about people doing what they love to do and getting to do it everyday as a “job”

Random I think I want to open a breakfast place..

Hahaha add that to “crystal needs to calm down ” list..

But we had a blast with all of our friends.

Then carried over the fun for some awful waffle at 3am

The ulcer is suppose to heal in 3-8 weeks so…. see you then?

F. me.

Five on Friday

Posted in 30ish Blogs 30ish Days, Five on Friday
on June 2, 2017

Don’t want to read? Rather listen? Now you can!

Ahhhhh Fri-nally!

This week has FLOWN by but has totally dragged ass if it can do both. So to take up some space I am going to do 5 on Friday, on Friday’s this is where I give a recap and touch on five things throughout the week.

Schoooollllssss out for summmeerrrrrr

6th 2nd and 7th

This school year has seriously flown by! If you remember we bought our house a year ago ( a few days ago) and I was super worried about the kids starting a new school, if they would make friends, them walking home and so on and so on. I swear I blinked and they are done! I can NOT say enough about Saginaw school district, and that is me coming from “the best” which is Keller. I have to tell you I would pick Saginaw ISD over Keller ISD every day of the week. If you have a perfect kid, Keller will be great for you, if you have a kid that struggles, steer clear, just my opinion. But, Gaige is going to 8th freaking grade……. 8th grade! This is the LAST year in middle school before I have a kid in high school…. I may or may not have wanted to breath in a paper bag a few times when I let that sink in… then you have the I met his dad when we were in 8th grade… the summer going to 8th grade, thats when the whole “boy” thing got serious, and I was a late bloomer! Which means everyone was kissing and stuff way before I was… soooo that is what “stage” we are in, and its fucking scary… He is a GREAT kid though so I am not to worried.. Briysen will be in 7th and is SOOOOOO excited about middle school football, and ummm I am to! No more Pee Wee games late on Saturday nights or practice 6 days a week!! That makes me uber happy… They are both doing conditioning camp this summer, so that will be good! Lillian will be going to 3rd so I am still soaking up all the elementary stuff and will keep doing it..

Time goes by so fast and they are getting bigger but ummmm I totally still feel young ( most days. )

Summer camps, church camps, day training, vacation… all of it. Oh and eating me out of house and home….  Not ready for that.

My Hair.


So today I went in to get my hair done and my gray covered up…

Y’all… I would be full gray if I didnt cover it up, I confirmed it with heather today.

Full gray.

Thanks Mom & Dad.

And next time I am chopping it all off I have decided…. I know I know I struggle with this sooo bad but, I have VERY thin hair like old lady thin, so the length is the length it is but we had to put some “filler” extensions in and I have been letting it grow then filling it in for a while year, and I am totally ready to wash my hair normal and put my hands through it without feeling an extension. I totally could leave it the length it is with out the extensions but then it will be see thru and gross… so its either keep them or cut it and I think after a year I am ready for fun hair for a while.

I will totally regret it I already know.

My fucking back.

So, I am not sure if I blogged about it or not but… 2 weeks ago I did a dance class and a yoga class in the same day and did something to my back… to the point where I havent been to the gym but once ( this week) in two weeks, had to pause my dance class and take meds every.single.day. I went from being un able to sleep at all, to on the floor, to cant tie my shoe to now I am able to bring my stretch deeper and I hurt but I am not in “pain” unless I try and go to sleep at night… then I have to roll and roll until I find a place I can stand it and fall asleep. I have taken relaxers, meds, ice, heat , massage you name it.. and its still there. So this next week I have an appointment on Tuesday to go to he dr to get on steroids and get an MRI :/  Although its better, its still not “okay” and I need the MRI to show me if its just pissed at me or if I have re-herniated… and tbh, at that point if I did infact really hurt myself again I dont know what I will do.. because I dont think I am up for a surgery #2… Before I didnt want to try anything else I wanted to say fuck it, fix it and then I will heal… this time, I think I will try other options IF i infact did hurt it again…

Its so annoying and stupid.

And I was in my happy place teaching dance… and Im super scared that will just get ripped away form me again.

but I am praying it wont.

Book of Faces

On a hyadis ( how do you spell that ) After this whole birthday thing is said and done it is taking the back seat.

I am addicted.

So as many of you know, that know me I dont like tv… and it takes a lot to get me to get “into” a show. Like the shows I have watched are: Dexter, Sons of Anarchy, Orange is the New Black and This is Us. Like finished from start to end ( well this is us isn’t ending but you get it)

So my girl friend Heather told me about a show a few months ago that she loved and this week when I was going to the gym, I needed something to bide my time while I walked on the treadmill so I wouldn’t want to go lift weights.. ( I wanted to see how walking and elliptical and bike felt first) So I went ahead and downloaded Amazon Prime Video and started watching Animal Kingdom

Oh Honey.

If my list of shows looks like your list of shows you need to go watch season one and the 2nd season JUST started Wednesday on TNT….

Think SOA but instead of bikers, it’s surfers… with a mom more fucked up than Gemma.

And just so we are clear that I called him first, Craig is mine <3 Something about that boy…

You’re welcome.

Need something to listen to while you drive to work? Welp, now you can listen to my blog instead of read it! Follow me on Podbean HERE  Its just me reading the blog, plus I forget some stuff so there is extra added 🙂 I am hoping one day that I can actually have a Podcast! But that is way down the line..

Oh my restless heart of hearts

Posted in 30ish Blogs 30ish Days
on June 1, 2017

Hate Reading? Would Rather Listen? Now you can!

 

Welp, Hello June!!

Am I the only one who wants to sing heyyyy Junneeeeeeeeee ( I know its Jude don’t be a sour puss) 

So this is the month I am to write 30 blogs in 30 days.. I started thinking about that yesterday and what about like 5 blogs a week instead of 7? I mean I know that I will have a l ot to say being off Facebook for 30 days but, I mean do you really want to read my bullshit every day?

Every. Day.

Let just see how it goes Mmkay? Or Id love to hear from you.. Yes for the 30 days or lets just get the good stuff… ( as if anyone really even reads this shit, I am flattering myself)

I just got done failing a work test online, yep well… I made a 70% and you have to make a 75% to pass… here is the deal I SUCK at test.. and I suck even harder at a watch a video for an hour then answer some questions.. I watch it I really do/did but in that process I thought about how long an average penis is, what color was that girls lipstick today, how long has it been since I’ve gotten my camera out, do the kids need lunch money on the last day then all of a sudden I hear this guy in my ear talking through my headphones about sales dashboards…. Squirrel??

So its not that I am an idiot, I just HATE test, timed test especially and I cant focus…

Sucked at school Rocked at life.

You make an A on a test and fail at changing a diaper… I Make a C on the test while changing a diaper changing a flat and opening a beer with my teeth.

Class Act Y’all.

( Ps I have never opened a beer with my teeth.) 

So… so much going on so much to say but so many blogs to write so I will keep my ADD in check.

In May I added an event to my bucket list, this made me think about if I have ever shared it before, so lets play like you care, take notes and maybe help me cross a few of these bad boys off shall you.. Its called my Restless Hearts Bucket list well because its ever changing.. I never mark off just add to it..

My Restless Hearts Bucket List

Travel to Ireland, Make sure it is as GREENNNN as I need it to be, meet a Leprechaun & sit in a pub and listen to live music.

Go to Rome, add a love lock and pass it down to my grandchildren

Go to the airport, dont ask questions… get a ticket to the next flight out of town, dont ask where it is!! Just go… Make sure and pack for anything.

Have fresh flowers on my table for a month

See Aerosmith in concert 

Dance with my dad

Have dinner or drinks on a roof top

Go to the Military Ball ( side note this cracks me up.. think it may be to late ya say?)

Sing Karaoke 

Witness something bigger than myself, greater than myself

Travel by Train

Stand on the very tip of Maine

Stay in a bungalow in Bora Bora

Visit Montana, see a real wood chopper, yep like Paul Bunyan  or the Brawny Paper Towel Man

Laugh until your face hurts

See REAL snow, big fat snow… fluffy, snowflakin’ snow

Stay in a cabin with a hot tub on the patio when its cold out.. have a beer there, and in the morning wake up and have some coffee in the front.

Try to Surf

Go to Vegas blow on dice before you roll em’ 

Drive a 1973 Stingray with Aerosmith blaring and the t-tops off

Join a team

Float the river

Get kissed at the drive in

Make amens even if its only one sided

Do something that makes you happy, even if its selfish, do it for YOU

Find your soul mate even if its just to tell them hello 

Tan on a nude beach

Have babies – document it 

Go to a New Years party where you have to wear a fancy dress, get kissed at midnight.

Write a book about my life, the real stuff…

Go crazy! Do what you thought you never would with no judgment have fun! 

Have many adventures but always come home

Swim in the coral reef.. be a mermaid

Find someone you love more than you love yourself, don’t let them go.

Create a charity

Go skinny dipping in the moonlight

Kiss a man with a full beard and pretty mouth

Just Drive

Ride in a hot air balloon

Go to Rio to witness the beauty of love they say is there at night.

Ride a cable car

Ice skate in Central park or Read on a blanket in the lawn.

Take a picture a day for a whole year.

Wine taste in California

Fall in love with everything

Verbally tell someone your story, the complete, truth.

Travel to another state on two wheels

Float in the dead sea

Find what calms my restless heart

Run/Walk 5K

Help someone else’s dream

Have Kids

get married

Go to Virgin Islands

Stay in a house on the lake, where when I walk outside I can sit in the dock and breathe

See my kids get married

Own a boat

Plan for your death so your kids dont have to

Plan for your future so you can relax when youre old

Live on the lake

Go to England

Take the kids to Disney

Get magically passionately kissed at the airport

Get a tattoo that means something

Run a whole mile

Go to Canada

Be enough

Hold a teenage octopus

Take my sister on a trip 

Take my mom on a trip

Learn to let go

Get in the best shape of my life, if just once

Get dreadlocks

Kiss in the rain

Swim with sea turtles

Watch the sun set and rise in the same day 

Take a picture of every house you’ve ever lived in

Attend a masquerade ball

The Price is right…. need I say more?

Start a podcast

Be the best in my line of work

Have a job that I travel with

Own something from Tiffany’s

Take sexy pictures where I actually feel sexy

Do 24 hours of silence

Have a sit down & ask any question I want and be prepared to answer any question needed

Shoot Skeet

Take a pole dancing class

Teach a dance class

Would rather listen each day than read? That’s cool follow me over at PodBean!

http://crystalmichellesmess.podbean.com

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