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Here she goes again

When life hits you in the vagina….

Posted in Here she goes again
on October 5, 2017

I wish I could just throw up here. But… truth be told I cant some stuff is not mine to tell.

This has always been my get out, my way of explaining things I cant verbally say and here I sit for the ehhh about 12th time writing a blog and wondering will I delete this one to? I swear the last three months have done everything but made me skinny. I think I have slid right into a mild form of depression and I guess I thought my sanity was somewhere between a bean burrito and just not eating. I cant even write right now with so much going on in my house.. so lets take a pause.

Well it was a month when I wrote the above.. I actually talked to a guy friend of mine today about some issues that he was having and how I try and cope with the curve balls that life throws directly at my vagina.. I told him I used to blog, but I was to scared to let my hands do the explaining because at that moment I didnt know what they would have to say. Maybe I was scared to? Scared of what they would have to say *shrugs* I’m not really quite sure.  All I know is this is like going home drunk and your dad or mom being awake and you having to make eye contact with them. Its ether going to go really good and them tell you to go to bed or its going to go really bad and you are going to be grouned for the rest of your life.

I almost said Fucking to one of the kids tonight, after I almost let it slip I walked in to my room and just started bawling my eyes out.

That’s how over the top my life is right now.

That’s not me, that’s not the mom I am, that’s not the person I am..

I think I am always wanting to do the right thing, whats right is what I ask my self on a constant.  Not what do I want to do or what should I do but what is the RIGHT decision to make. Man, the right decision sometimes gives you way more than you thought you were willing to bite off and then you are basically stuck chewing that for ehhh… maybe the next five years or so? Knowing that you make the right decision is important but lets just learn from me and say before you jump on whats right maybe you should also think about the long run before you do so.

Today is a hard day, and I say that openly.

Today is a hard day.

But guess what, courage does not always roar sometimes its the quiet voice at the end of the day that says we will try again tomorrow.


8 Hours in the car with 3 kids…

Each year we trade off on vacations.

Like one year we will do a small adult trip ( like Austin )  and a big kids trip ( Like Alabama ) so last year was the kids trip so this year it’s Mom & Dads big trip turn!

So this year we decided to tag team with a few friends and head on down to Port Aransas for a mini beach vacation Texas Style!

The drive down there seemed longer than driving to Alabama for some reason, I am pretty sure its because Texas is sooooooo big that you never get out of it when you are not trying to get out of it, if that makes sense… so there was no change in scenery… you knew you were still in Texas. The kids were not to bad the drive there or back, it’s crazy when they get older… no one shits their pants, has to pee to bad where they cant hold it, pukes or cries for no reason for an hour… Ahh how I do NOT miss the toddler days 🙂

The quaint house that we stayed in called the Church Street Cottage  was just perfect for everything we needed!

It was close enough to restaurants to walk, close enough to the beach to drive… I mean I guess you could have walked to the beach buttttt…. have we met?

I saw a bunch of people actually renting golf carts and driving pretty much the whole island with them.

We spent the majority of our five days doing pretty much nothing and loving it! We had two full beach days, one we had to cut short because of course…. Lillian got strep throat from church camp.. so that was fun. But Thankfully I have the best pediatrician in all the land Dr Dalton so he called in some antibiotics and so she was pretty much good the whole trip, all besides the one day she wasn’t.  The other beach day we stayed until everyone was fried… Luckily the babes are 1/2 Italian so fried is only for one day and then they turn that pretty golden brown… They always have contest but Sister ALWAYS wins…

Beach days are my favorite especially when my family is with me.

sand, ocean, country music, good ole’ captain & coke

Makes for a pretty amazing day.

Remember we are at a beach town and I hate sea food… so I was pretty full with cheese burgers and hush puppies… for five days. ( hahahaha) While Gaige and The Husband ate sea food pretty much three meals a day… and Gaige wanted to go by his favorite restaurant Castaways   to see if he could get an all you can eat fish and shrimp to go, I quickly told him he was crazy…

The husband took Gaige on his first charter fishing trip, and he LOVED it! He also  caught 4 trout and fed us the next night with what he caught!

4th of July was spent on the beach as well, then that night we went to Leah’s Step Dads dock and sat on a HUGE boat and watched a terrific fire works display! They had a HUGE spread of food as well as music.

It was perfect.

Oh and The husband in his Man Onsie…. got in the Port A newspaper… *cough* attention whore *cough* hahaha

We went to all of the shops, are proud parents of two hermit crabs… and took the obligatory picture inside the sharks mouth… I HAVE to find the old one of these three in the same spot for comparison…

To say we needed this is an understatement… I think the kids played their phones only at night, not because I told them they couldn’t but just because they didn’t want to… we played Uno.. the game that never ends…. and car games.. we re set as a family.

We re set as a husband and wife..

I am a firm believer in vacations, and not just because of vacations to get away but vacations to re set.. to remember whats important, to re set as a family… to get back to the root of things.. Its SO easy to get caught up in the hustle of being home.. My family is a bit closer every vacation we take.

I hope that as hey get older we find a spot that we go to each year as a whole to re set…

Husbands, wives, dogs and grandbabies…

Okay maybe I am getting ahead of myself, but… the thought of that makes my heart swell beyond measure..

You are enough.

Posted in Here she goes again
on May 25, 2017

Would rather listen than read? Now you can!

Now that is a bold statement.

I feel like this is one of those blogs that I start and write and write and then at the end I either

A) end up deleting it


B) have it saved to my drafts and never post it.

So I am catching myself ahead of time so maybe I will know my patterns and not do either A or B..

You are enough.


This is something I struggle with personally and over the last few weeks have realized it always seems to come down to this…

I haven’t said anything because I don’t want to fail, but I have challenged myself to write 30 blogs in 30 days starting in June 1st and so I am carrying around a notebook in my purse and when things hit me I will write them down so I can have enough topics to write 30 blogs.. & them not be stupid.. but blogs with meaning and “meat”. When this statement came across my Instagram, it struck a cord with me… I then said these words to myself in my head for the first time in maybe…… ever??  Have you ever said that to yourself?

You are enough.

I sure in the hell haven’t… Never really knew it was an issue to be honest with you…

The more I read it the tighter my throat became.. I saved it as a screen shot and periodically throughout the day I kept coming back to read it again, why… why did this hit me like this? I kept repeating it in my head,  I was saying it but did I really believe it?

I don’t think so….

I don’t think I knew the impact it was having on me..

That is when it hit me, this was it…. this was my problem… not being enough, in MANY areas, but in more depth this has ALWAYS been my issue… and at 34 I had an “Ah ha” moment and it kinda sorta knocked the breath out of me….

You see this statement is why I have ached and worked so hard, so I mean its a good thing yes but when I am knocked down I think this is what I say to myself, you are NOT enough, try harder, do more… I mean this stems back to childhood… Fighting through my brothers addiction for attention… Maybe if I make good grades  my mom will notice me, maybe if I am a cheerleader my dad will be proud, maybe if I go to college my parents will be happy… Through my sisters addiction… Maybe if I am a good mom, my mom wont be so sad… maybe if I get married, my mom will be proud of me, maybe if I have a great job… Then there were men… that is when this really took hold…. & I never even had Daddy issues…. fighting for the attention to be noticed, to be loved…. to be enough. To be the prettiest girl they saw so they didn’t look else where, to be the best mom so they didn’t want to fuck up, to things making so much sense they didn’t question anything else… it was just enough….

You’re really fun, so funny, your eyes drawl me in, I love you…. I am in love with you….. you’re beautiful but it’s not enough.

*stab and twist*

I have always been fighting to be just that “enough”

I think that is why I love so hard, why I hold on to things soooo tight.. why I smother my best friends.. ( you know you like it haha) why I cuddle so close and hard at night, why I have anxiety, why I worry… why I worry that one day I will come home and my husband will say ” This isn’t enough anymore ”  When I wear a swimsuit or jeans and a tshirt wanting to be sexy, going to the gym but not looking like my mind says I should, it not being enough.

Always waiting for the ball to drop.

Its not healthy really…

Maybe its because of so many deaths I have had to overcome? Maybe the “loss” of friendships and relationships?

I have no clue… but it stops now.

Because guess what… I’m a great girl…. a good mom… a great friend… a good daughter and sister.

I am enough.

Some of these things I speak about you shouldn’t have to fight SOOOOO hard for and if you do fight, you shouldn’t be the only one fighting alone.

So, I am putting my sword up…

Making a list of things I want, and if I wasn’t already a capital letter I would have made it one and then bolded the shit out of the font…

I’m enough.

& in the moment that I become not enough, I will then choose to walk away.

Not easily, but no longer with my head down.

because guess what.. I may not be enough to you, but I am enough for me and well… that’s enough.

My demons can’t swim in Whiskey, but they love the taste and they love to try.

Want it? Come here let me lick you..

Posted in #losingthedirty30, 2017, Here she goes again
on February 5, 2017

Y’all…. I have totally forgotten what it was like to have a new born, and yet I do not have a new born I will say that having a kid with the flu is just as bad I think… My poor Briysen started getting sick on Sunday and it just took him by the hair and made him his B****.

There is not much worse than seeing your baby sick, I mean you want them to feel better and all you can do is all you can do. So about 6 days of sleeping on the couch waking up every 4 hours for Tylenol and a breathing treatment and then 2 hours later waking up for Motrin  this mama was pooped! Not to mention trying to get Briysen to eat was awful and he needs to eat anyways, he probably lost a good 5-8lbs…

Today is day 8 and he is FINALLY feeling better! he has a pretty nasty cough still but the fever and body aches are gone!

We may try to attempt school tomorrow but we shall see when he wakes up.. I am 80% sure that he will call me to go and get him, not because he is still sick but because he has 0 energy.

Luckily I have managed to keep him in his room so, so far so good on no one else getting it *fingers crossed*

On the flip side of things I had the honor of taking Gaige to his first Mavs game!

We both had a blast and the Mavs kicked major ass!

Such a great game!! The Teen & I had a blast at the Mavs game ❤️ It was a PERFECT game for his first Mavs Game!!! Mavs win 104 to 97!!!

Speaking of ass… never noticed how HUGE Lebron James is…. Like almost not fair to play. He just walks up to the hoop and its like nothin’….. dunk.

So much fun….

As far as my eating and working out this week… yep they have been non exsistant and I can totally feel the difference. I am swollen from not drinking water and I am super sleepy from not eating right, eating like shit or eating just not like I should… Super bummed but no bigs.. I am back on track as of tomorrow morning.

I did step on the scale and I am still the same so that’s a plus..

My heart has been achy lately… its super gay when it does this..

I hate it….

Buut I am going to see 50 Shades Darker on Thursday <3 I just finished the book ( for the 2nd time) on Friday …… Gotta love when he tells her to take off her panties at the restaurant <3 Hey he holds her door open when she gets in the car.. 🙂 He’s a gentleman <3



Posted in Here she goes again
on November 29, 2016


I think we all have that one place you go.

To run away.

Or to just get away and take a deep breath even if there isn’t anything to run away from.

You know a long time ago I used to think it was a sign of “weakness” to need some time. Some people are wired differently and can go out and get their air but you see I worry about worrying… I am worried about you, them, how you are going to get home, are your feelings hurt? Do I look fat…… Are the kids okay, is the sitter tired? Does the sitter think I am a bad mom because its 1 am and I am still not at home? Not to mention one of us needing to stay sober enough to get home..

Seriously this is my brain on a “night out”

This is why every few years I “runaway” to take a deep breath and get “me” back..

I have also found that there is not a damn thing wrong with that and finally have let go of any and every ounce of guilt I ever carried for wanting this me time, it’s my sanity.

To be in a place you can breathe, a place strangely you feel like a part of you belongs to.. Its like walking in to home and the mountains and air wrapping their arms around me and finally I can let out a breath and let any and everything else just go…

It’s my place.


And thankfully I have her to share it with.

In a world that is so busy, she reminds me of who I am and why I love me.. Not the mom me, but the crazy me.. the girl who smiles with her eyes nearly shut, who loves sappy ass music that makes Spotify send me a suggested playlist of Life Sucks bahahaha!! Whoa Spotify slow your roll… She loves every ugly ounce of me and finds the beauty somehow in all of the mess I call myself.

The bay with my bae

The bay with my bae

She’s kinda a big deal, I just hope she knows how strong she is.

The trip was perfect & every now and again I think of something randomly and giggle… And can I also mention I dont think we got dressed once? And I had a lot of cute clothes to wear… but we stayed in leggings-t-shirt & a 7th grade basketball uniform…. It was FREEZING and well we all know how happy the cold makes my little Heated Texas Heart..



Oh and also, I am pretty sure I have determined I could live off of coffee, garlic fries & vodka if worse came to worse.. Which is a great life tip right?? I mean I now know don’t panic, you have garlic fries and Vodka your going to be just fine….


So cheers to sappy love songs, basketball uniforms, golden sunsets, long walks, cute sweatshirts, random cats, South Dakota, sisterwives, hotel breakfast that was a million dollars, taking my glasses off for the pointless reason of “not seeing my eyes anyways”, bruised skin but a full heart, that was totally only 5 minutes, old hippy taking 100 pictures of our asses before he ever got one right, our lake, your dad telling me “he could just talk to me alllll night long”,  how many of the same cars can one town have, Rotel Texas Style, the ocean the view and being with my best friend for 4 days.


Until Next Time My California Soul Sister <3




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