I am the worlds worst at balance.
In any aspect of life.. I am either all in or all out of something, once I am done with it I am done with it.
This isnt a very good character to have.
So if you are trying to guess yes this is about my weight, and if you are bored with this best move along now…
You see my dads side ( whom I take after) is pretty much all obese. So, what that means for me is I am not one who can diet get to a certain weight and stop, it has to be a complete lifestyle change for me. This is something I struggle with daily.. I get on these kicks of going to he gym, eating chicken and veggies and dropping a shit ton of weight and looking good.. once I get to that point its so easy and has been done many times of thinking welp Im here pass the bread basket and butter yall!
Then I just end up very quickly at step one again.
Its really quite annoying.
I am a whopping 188lbs.
Well thats embarrassing to say outloud, but its the truth.
I have again let myself get to a place where I am just here, not healthy and hate everything I put on.. I even had to go to the store and buy me new pants yall, because last time I did this I threw away all of my size 12 & 14’s because I “was not going to let myself get to that size again” and here I sit in all my glory. Working out with Kenny was awesome… I got super small ( for me) and had the endurance that I had never had before. Which was also awesome.
Here is the problem with that though… again I am either all in or all out.
I have come to a point in my life where I am 34 ( almost 35) and I am ready to find some balance… a balance where I am not choking and gagging on crock pot chicken 5 times a day, where I am getting sick thinking of egg whites and and peeing all night because I drank the last of my gallon an hour before bed. IF I am being true to myself I know and I mean KNOW that is not the lifestyle for me.. and yes I understand its a LIFESTYLE change. I also need to know what my triggers are.. like I swell. bad. I retain water like a mofo and I know this… so what this means for me is that I have to eat less salt, and no I dont put salt on my food I just like salty foods… but I know that is a huge downfall for me and I have to be cautious of that.. Also, I have started to try and eliminate dairy from my diet as much as I can.. I have had allergies FOREVER.. like I am never not stopped up or blowing my nose ever. I have done some reading and have found that milk and dairy products play a huge roll in people who suffer with allergies. huh, who would have thought! So… yesterday was my first dairy free day and so far so good.. the only hard art is thinking of what I feed my family and everything is pretty much covered in cheese or has milk….. so that sucks.
So, I started back at the gym yesterday and started logging my food again in my fit pal, I have also made it private so no one can see my journal… no not because I am trying to hide it but because I need to be honest with myself first… I mean stuffing your face with pizza in the moment is one thing but having to log it makes you feel like you did when you mom said she was disappointed in you.
What does this mean? Well I think it means, or I know it means I want to try again… I want to feel good in my skin again. This time though I am looking at it with different eyeballs. I dont want to compete in anything, or against anyone.. all I want to do is feel good in a pair of jeans and not have to cry everytime I think about having to wear something other than my scrubs for work. I am ready to find my balance… With this I KNOW its going to take way more time… I know it is going to be a slow process but this is something I am ready to do for me. So instead of eating 7 times a day and gagging my veggies down and I am going to try a different approach. I am going to just make healthier choices each day and then when I want to eat something I will ask myself is this really worth it? Or should I opt out for a salad or a lettuce wrap…
There has been SO MUCH go on in my life the last 4 months.. so much, that I think I got in depression and stopped caring about myself. There was just far to many other people and things I had to tend to.. My house went from feeding 5 to feeding 8… getting 5 ready to getting 8 ready… and so on. It has taken a financial bind on me, a mental bind on me and an emotional bind on me… in retrospect I forgot about Crystal… My energy and happy was sucked out from all angles. It still is if I am being true to myself and to my blog.. That is a very scary feeling… I dont think I have felt this way since I had post pardum with Briysen 12 years ago. That is how weird my body and mind feels… Ahh that feels good to say outloud. Well kinda good kinda scary.. I had a huge breakdown on Sunday morning… I couldnt stop crying all day… my head was going a million miles to nothing and I just couldnt handle anything… I wanted to cry all day and stay locked in my dark room. Does this have everything to do with my weight? no… actually it has very little to do with it. But I will tell you this… if YOU dont feel good then you cant expect anything around you to go any better… its almost like you get lost in the shadows and then look up and you have no idea who is looking back at you.
So what this all means is I am going to make it a point to make ME a point… I have done a lot of praying.. a lot of praying. So the gym for me needs to be an outlet, a balance, me time and to get my happy endorphins flowing again. It needs to be about balance.. when I feel good my world looks a lot brighter. Right now I am at the stage where I would find any excuse not to go to the gym, when I get there I am still questioning myself if I want to stay or go but when I leave I am exhausted and happy I went. I know this is all rambling.. I totally get that… but its just how and what I need right now. Its like I have all these life suckers… they are all on me and I am drained. But.. I am allowing it. that’s not okay.
So… I am trying to find my balance.
Slowly a balance that I can maintain and be happy with me again.
Will I start freaking out and prepping chicken again.. yep. I will I know me well enough, but I have a big sign on my computer that says remember the balance and everything cant be fixed in a day… I also set an alarm on my phone that reminds me that Ive got this and I know that I ma tired but go to the gym.. even if its to walk, you need to go.
So, do you have balance? If so how do you obtain it? How do you stay on it? Are you like me where you’re all in or all out? how do you remind yourself to keep pushing forward?