Hey girl! I am almost positive you are reading this in a hurry hanging on every word I am writing and then you will read it 50 more times just to make sure you didn’t miss a thing. You still do that 15 years later, it’s something you will always do. Makes me giggle a bit.. So your dad just got you a new to you camero huh… Your mom is pissed… You are not speed racer, and I get it your boyfriend has the same car but red… please slow down and know that you’re not impressing anyone with your lack there of fast driving. Just turn up your mix tape and enjoy this car while going the speed limit. And stop doing donuts in the Birdville Stadium parking lot before games, your cheer coach already thinks you’re a fuck up… don’t fuel that fire okay?
Something is going to happen to cheerleading, its going to break you’re heart and you are going to feel like you are not okay, but guess what… you are totally okay.. So just do what they say and move on, you will be fine.. Your heart will be broken but your heart will be fine and Mrs.B will always be a the reason in your head and heart and you will always be bitter about it… even 15 years later.
Ugh, there is so much I want to tell you but so much I want you to learn on your own. One thing I want you to know is that you sure do have a beautiful life.. it will have many up’s and plenty of downs but girl you are one of the strongest people I have ever met…ever. I know you are in such a hurry to grow up right now, pretty sure you have kitchen stuff in lay-a-way at KMart and you pay on it religiously and are so excited about your new apartment with the boy you love. Would it hurt you to just stay at your moms for a little while longer? Maybe finish school first? I know I know you’re not going to listen to what I say, and in all honesty you shouldn’t… You are going to have a lot of fun in that apartment, you’ll learn how to make spaghetti, hamburger helper and even get your fits tattoo… You can thank Nikki Bishop for that one..
Make time for your family more if you can…
Make Les go to dinner with you or make him come to moms and tell her to cook so yall can all have dinner together.. Take more pictures of yall to.. I know you always have your dollar store cameras in your hand so point them in his direction if you can, Lord knows he will eat that up and it will make you laugh forever I promise. Oh and when you see Les at Josh and Jasons with Allen you should tell Allen Mayes that one day you are going to grow up and he should prepare himself for it.. Tell your mom that the Don guy she is dating is a creep, don’t stop telling her this… like tell her over and over again if you can.. Maybe she will listen to you. I know you feel this way about him and let me just tell you, you’re not wrong… you’re feeling is absolutely right! Also, why are you not close with Shannon? Maybe try to build that relationship a bit more, I know she is your sister but I want you to repeat that last sentence.. she is your sister… make the time and make her make the time.. I get it she is weird, playing house with Teddy of all people? But don’t be an asshole.. go over there and just play house with her, oh and when she talks about Josh tell her how stupid he is.. and how great of a man Teddy is..
So about this boy, Sigh…. Just know it will all be worth it, one way or another, no matter what happens in the end its all worth it… I know some people think you are crazy saying you love someone at 15 but you totally do, and he loves you to. You two will literally grow up together. You will shed a BUNCH of tears, and at one point think that it is the end of the world, but guess what its not.. and you will be fine. Stay in an apartment, yes Crystal a house sounds more grownup but your apartment is just fine… no need to move 100 times. OH and guess what.. y’all are going to have babies.. Seriously…. you think you are in love now… just wait! Don’t worry you’re one hell of a mom.. and you will not have to go through pregnancy alone… You should ready that last part to Stef 🙂
Gosh I am so proud of you..
I want to say that again, I know you don’t hear that often, or ever.. I am so proud of you… so proud of you…
You’re doing great.
So, one thing I do want to tell you… when you turn 18 or so maybe you should call up Heather and see if you can go to Denton for a weekend…to hang out with her. Maybe you guys can go to Hooters for some wings and even go get your oil changed at one of the local shops… Lord knows you’ve never changed your oil.. ever. It’s a college town, you’ll have fun live a little! There is a whole Fate thing I would like to see if exists… I cant say anymore, not sure I would even have to. I’m curious to see how that plays out.
Things in your life will come and go and guess what thats okay, they will bend you but youre way to strong to break. Take them in, let them be and then let them go.. And for petes sake act 15!!! I know you feel like you have to adult right now but you dont, stop letting anyone make you feel like you do… you dont… you can be a kid as long as you want. Cruise Rufe Snow with your friends, Go to sleep overs and parties… if the boy tells you not to tell him to fuck off… because he is probably there anyways. Kiss some more boys, actually kiss a lot more boys.. Oh and you know that one boy, you should fly to Colorado for his graduation, no one showed up… That actually may have changed everything because 15 years later you find out he was just as scared as you were… That secret journal you keep, at some point in the next few years youre going to want to burn it, dont… save it! There is some good stuff in there, even if it is a bit emo.. youre still kinda emo so it’s fine.. Dont pose naked for a photographer no matter how nice he asks you to, even if you get the negatives still dont do it, Your sister will tell you a secret in a few years and ask you not to tell anyone… tell someone…… just trust me, tell someone. Your dad…. he is going to get re married soon, don’t go in there crying, it’s rude and you will be embarrassed of the pictures for the rest of your life.. give her a chance… I get it shes as old as Les but give her a chance, she may be crazy now but you will actually hold more respect for her than most people in your life down the road.. she has the best heart ever, please try and not be a brat and look past the bullshit.. its beautiful there. Also, tell your dad you love him a lot, kiss him more, hug his neck a little tighter.. I know you already do and stop worrying things will be fine, I just want you to pay closer attention to stuff is all.
A few last things I want you to know and think about.. and listen to me because in fact I do know best… because I am you..
Stop trying to please everyone… trying to be everything to all the peoples in all the land, you are enough! Stop worrying so much you will get gray soon enough and it needs no help from you trust me….At this point, you’ve got all the tools it takes to trust your instincts, and your instincts are good ones.
Whats with all the dieting? You have your whole life for that and um.. a size six isn’t fat… so knock it off idiot.
And lastly, you will always love, love…. I know that you think you are a sap right now, guess what you totally are… and that is part of you that makes you, you… embrace that shit! Use it… start a blog, a book, a column something.. The best parts of the way your heart loves and how it hears words and hears music you get from your dad.. I mean dont start going to poetry meetings and wearing all black, but just know that this part of you is one of my favorite parts so embrace it.
I wish I could re live it all with you over again…
Its that beautiful.
So be ready <3
The Grayer Version of You.