Would you rather listen? Now you can!
Well lets cut to the chase…
I fucked up.
I need surgery again.
So to read the back story of my back story you can go to my You Tube channel HERE
So a month ago I did a yoga class and the next day I couldn’t sit down, couldn’t lay down… and could barley move.
I KNEW i hurt myself… I knew it… My husband trying to be positive just talked me in to it being inflamed and okay, basically talked me off the ledge.
But deep down in my lack there of core I knew I messed it up.
Doing Yoga… not a roller coaster, or boat ride… or skiing in Colorado, didn’t slip… didn’t fall… not a high dive, but yoga.
I tried everything you name it… foam rollers, anti inflammatory’s, cryo therapy, stretching, walking, resting, hot packs, cold packs…
I think I have re written this last part 4 times and then even tried to just record my raw feelings then I realized it was 16 minutes long and I said fuck a lot so here I am back to writing..
So last week I went in to the back doc and when I went in I had pretty much talked myself in to it just being inflammation… I just need steroids and some relaxers.. I have tramadol no big deal just something to calm my nerves down.. that’s all. Welp, Dr Henry just looked at me like um your the doctor or am I? So he did a few touch test, knocked my knee to check my reflexes and sent me for an Xray in office .. which looked great my spine is 100% stable….and in his words “just to be sure..” he said that we would need an MRI with and without contrast.
Just to be sure, cool I can swing that.
Going in for my MRI I am pretty sure I prayed the whole way there and then changing in to my scrubs I started to get choked up… I looked in the mirror in the dressing room and there I was.. The same strong girl who was here just two short years ago. Back in this small room, with the same x large scrubs and the same combination lock. Some how in that moment I knew what the outcome would be.. Ive hurt for to long.
In the MRI machine I laid there still and let the tears stream down my cheeks..
and I prayed.
Envision the place I went to was great to me, and gave me a DVD to take to the doctor.. one thing about being in the medical field is…. you can read those.
When I got home the first image I pulled up there it was..
Today was my appointment with Dr Henry, as he pulled up the images I was very strong in what I knew and what I saw but again I am not a doctor so I knew what he would say but I had a small glimmer of hope that it wasnt what I thought, or maybe it wasnt that bad..
You have re-herniated in a big way… you need surgery.
I lost it… I just started crying, I told him I knew and that I was over that hump in my life that I was on the other side… and Ive done this before and I just… I just…
So… he gave me options.
1 Epidural injections… pain meds & relaxers aka a band-aid until its necessary
2. Surgery next week
3 If the disc slips all the way out you have emergency surgery that day….
I told him thank you and that I needed time to process.
I then asked him can I lose more weight, can I work out, can I go to PT, can I get injections… can I fix this?
He said “Crystal you can lose weight but your not obese, that isnt going to help here… its like you have a rock in your shoe, you can change your laces even change your socks… but until you take your shoe off and take the rock out your foot is still going to hurt and bruise and maybe even bleed because you are walking on a rock…”
I asked about a fusion, he said it was overkill because my disc are healthy.. he thinks one more lamenectomy should fix me… and if not then there is a fusion involved.
I dont want surgery. I have cried so much today that I dont think I have any tears left to cry.
So I have decided against surgery for now… for now.
Maybe that is the wrong decision *shrugs* maybe I will regret that…. I dont know right now. This decision does come with risks.. He gave me things to watch out for like change in bladder control or frequency, also foot pain or loss of strength in my right foot… gone on for to long these things you cant get back.
Which is scary as fuck.
He said its a 95% chance not if I need surgery but when I will need surgery and I understand. Right now my pain is manageable, when I sleep its a level 8 out of 10 but during the day I am okay-ish. We have summer plans with the kids, and a vacation with the husband and I… and its summer, I cant do that to my kids… I mean I am down for 4-8 weeks and then questionable after that. They deserve a good summer not a summer where mom is laid up on the couch cant move and is walking with a walker and picking shit up with a super grabber. So if or when I will get surgery….. if my body can withstand the herniation and not make it worse I am shooting for September….
Until then I watch what I eat, I keep my body as strong as I can, I walk and I stay drugged at night hahaha
just being honest.
Through struggle comes strength.
Image from before I ever had surgery ( the one with the circle) and the one from today…. same level, same bullshit.