I mean if you don’t have to do it twice did you really even try the first time?

Would you rather listen? Now you can!

Well lets cut to the chase…

I fucked up.

I need surgery again.

So to read the back story of my back story you can go to my You Tube channel HERE

So a month ago I did a yoga class and the next day I couldn’t sit down, couldn’t lay down… and could barley move.

I KNEW i hurt myself… I knew it… My husband trying to be positive just talked me in to it being inflamed and okay, basically talked me off the ledge.

But deep down in my lack there of core I knew I messed it up.

Doing Yoga… not a roller coaster, or boat ride… or skiing in Colorado, didn’t slip… didn’t fall… not a high dive,  but yoga.

Fucking Yoga.

I tried everything you name it… foam rollers, anti inflammatory’s, cryo therapy, stretching, walking, resting, hot packs, cold packs…

I think I have re written this last part 4 times and then even tried to just record my raw feelings then I realized it was 16 minutes long and I said fuck a lot so here I am back to writing..

So last week I went in to the back doc and when I went in I had pretty much talked myself in to it just being inflammation… I just need steroids and some relaxers.. I have tramadol no big deal just something to calm my nerves down.. that’s all. Welp, Dr Henry just looked at me like um your the doctor or am I? So he did a few touch test, knocked my knee to check my reflexes and sent me for an Xray in office .. which looked great my spine is 100% stable….and in his words “just to be sure..” he said that we would need an MRI with and without contrast.

Just to be sure, cool I can swing that.

Going in for my MRI I am pretty sure I prayed the whole way there and then changing in to my scrubs I started to get choked up… I looked in the mirror in the dressing room and there I was.. The same strong girl who was here just two short years ago. Back in this small room, with the same x large scrubs and the same combination lock. Some how in that moment I knew what the outcome would be.. Ive hurt for to long.

In the MRI machine I laid there still and let the tears stream down my cheeks..

and I prayed.

Envision the place I went to was great to me, and gave me a DVD to take to the doctor.. one thing about being in the medical field is…. you can read those.

When I got home the first image I pulled up there it was..

Today was my appointment with Dr Henry, as he pulled up the images I was very strong in what I knew and what I saw but again I am not a doctor so I knew what he would say but I had a small glimmer of hope that it wasnt what I thought, or maybe it wasnt that bad..

You have re-herniated in a big way… you need surgery.

I lost it… I just started crying, I told him I knew and that I was over that hump in my life that I was on the other side… and Ive done this before and I just… I just…

So… he gave me options.

1 Epidural injections… pain meds & relaxers aka a band-aid until its necessary

2. Surgery next week

3 If the disc slips all the way out you have emergency surgery that day….

I told him thank you and that I needed time to process.

I then asked him can I lose more weight, can I work out, can I go to PT, can I get injections… can I fix this?

He said “Crystal you can lose weight but your not obese, that isnt going to help here… its like you have a rock in your shoe, you can change your laces even change your socks… but until you take your shoe off and take the rock out your foot is still going to hurt and bruise and maybe even bleed because you are walking on a rock…”

I asked about a fusion, he said it was overkill because my disc are healthy.. he thinks one more lamenectomy should fix me… and if not then there is a fusion involved.

I dont want surgery. I have cried so much today that I dont think I have any tears left to cry.

So I have decided against surgery for now… for now.

Maybe that is the wrong decision *shrugs* maybe I will regret that…. I dont know right now. This decision does come with risks.. He gave me things to watch out for like change in bladder control or frequency, also foot pain or loss of strength in my right foot… gone on for to long these things you cant get back.

Which is scary as fuck.

He said its a 95% chance not if I need surgery but when I will need surgery and I understand. Right now my pain is manageable,  when I sleep its a level 8 out of 10 but during the day I am okay-ish. We have summer plans with the kids, and a vacation with the husband and I… and its summer, I cant do that to my kids… I mean I am down for 4-8 weeks and then questionable after that. They deserve a good summer not a summer where mom is laid up on the couch cant move and is walking with a walker and picking shit up with a super grabber. So if or when I will get surgery….. if my body can withstand the herniation and not make it worse I am shooting for September….

Until then I watch what I eat, I keep my body as strong as I can, I walk  and I stay drugged at night hahaha

just being honest.

Through struggle comes strength.

and repeat.

Image from before I ever had surgery ( the one with the circle) and the one from today…. same level, same bullshit.

12 Comments

  • Reply Keri

    Hey love just wanted to tell u I’m going threw the same thing. Got my back fixed from breaking it and went to six flags and bam!! Done and over! Well I’ve been doing the injections for now cause I don’t wanna do surgery again.. I can tell u this the injections take the pain away for a little while then u think you can do all the stuff you used to do but ones it wears off you hurt more. So I’ve learned to take it easy and toradol is amazing for the pain. I’m gonna wait after summer and have the surgery again. It really sucks but we both are strong! 😘😘

    June 14, 2017 at 4:01 am
    • Reply Crystal Michelle

      Thank you so much Keri 🙂 I messaged you on Instagram 🙂

      June 14, 2017 at 3:27 pm
  • Reply Jillian Ashby

    Your story reminds me so much of mine, so much. I had a microdisectomy on April 1st of 2015 while you had it 12 days later. Same fears, hopes, dreams and fighters mentally. I ran marathons, did Spartan races and was an overall badass till I picked up a laptop with one hand (back spasms the next morning), training for another marathon (a little hip pain turned into full on not being able to move). Worse pain of my life and no quality of life for 1.5 years then surgery and the process to get back to where I had been.
    Fast forward to 2017. Finally working out consistently only to get a massage on tired muscles and have a level 8 break down on the 27th of May. New doctor who prescribed steroids, PT, pain pills and MRI. I’ve determined that there is no way that I am letting someone cut into me, but who knows for the right consistent pain level, I can never say never. I can say not today. ….or tomorrow. We both have the fighter mentally so we will get through this. You will get through this. Support is what you have and what will motivate you. Yeah, it sucks. It sucks so bad.

    June 14, 2017 at 8:29 am
    • Reply Crystal Michelle

      Jillian!! Isnt it bullshit! See I am there now… I “hurt” yes but I am not “there” yet.. will I be yep I am sure of it but I am not there yet.. it scares me just the same, I just have to be more careful I guess… Thank you for all of your kind words they mean so much to me. How is your back now? Id love to see your MRI.

      June 14, 2017 at 3:29 pm
      • Reply Jill

        Hi! Must find the MRI. The cd is in storage. I did go back and look at what was actually found on the MRI. Let’s see, I have mild arthritis in my spine, mild disc degenerative disease, L4 & L5 bulging disc, slight narrowing, T11-12 slight disc protrusion. Last, but most important due to the level 10 pain, L5 S1 large focal disc protrusion causing severe narrowing, posterior displacement and impingement traversing S1 nerve within the right lateral recess.
        🙂 Now that I repeat all of that, it’s kind of amazing that this is the first time experiencing real pain since the surgery.

        June 15, 2017 at 11:21 pm
        • Reply Crystal Michelle

          Goodness girl! I think I have talked myself in to trying an epidural injection… Im scared but..

          June 16, 2017 at 5:05 pm
  • Reply Tiff

    I love you – I know you’re blinded with frustration. You will get through this – surgery or not – trust me and have faith in YOUR God who loves you.

    I’m always a call away and I certainly understand multiple surgeries girls. Laminectomy’s never took well on me. The second one lasted quite a bit longer than the first (which only lasted two years) but I did get a good 10 years after the second one and before the fusion.

    I fully expect to have another fusion someday, just putting it off as long as possible. Take care of you – and your family – they will understand if you have to have surgery and are down for 8 weeks – it beats shitting in a bag, not being able to walk or losing control of your bladder. You know these things – your family cherishes you and WILL aloft you up while you are down and if they won’t, call me – I will.

    June 14, 2017 at 10:32 am
    • Reply Crystal Michelle

      I love you to and I know, and totally understand.. and yes its better than shitting in a bag I agree… I just want to get through the summer with the kids is all and then make a decision if I can hold off that long. Its all so annoying… but I am so glad that I have you to lean on so thank you for that

      June 14, 2017 at 3:30 pm
  • Reply Antoinette Fang

    Michelle, I found you on youtube last year when I began having some back issues. You are such an inspiration to me and I know that there are probably no words I can say that will make you feel better. I’m really sorry to hear this update.

    Back issues suck, and until you experience it first hand, you just don’t know. They say that a huge number of the population experiences back pain/issues at some point in their lifetime, so just know that you are not alone. You have a lot of people cheering for you and you are a STRONG woman!! You’re still young and your body is still very capable of healing/finding that new norm.

    Hugs,
    Antoinette 🙂

    June 14, 2017 at 2:45 pm
    • Reply Crystal Michelle

      Antoinette thank you for following my journey! I was actually thinking about doing a new video on youtube about it.. you know why I started that was bc I had NO IDEA about lam or micros! No personal experience from anyone and that shit is scary! So I am glad I helped someone!

      June 14, 2017 at 3:34 pm
  • Reply EmberNevill

    FUCK!

    June 15, 2017 at 9:20 pm
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