Death is so weird.

Posted in Dad
on April 8, 2017

It is… it is so final until it’s not final.

5 years ago yesterday I lost my dad to the battle of all of his health complications combined but luckily God showed mercy on him and let him pass peacefully in his sleep.  I can remember everything about this day, what I was wearing, what I was thinking, what the kids were wearing where we were, how things smelled, the officers faces, the drop in my heart and how “sad” I was and how I got a whole new meaning of what “sad” meant. That word is so easily thrown around, and when you really feel sad one day, the day that when someone asks you how you are and all you can mutter out is sad…. that is when you truly take on the definition of that word.

I was in charge of taking care of my dad for the last few years of his life. Some days were good and other days it was like taking care of a 4 year old due to the excess fluid that was on him and cutting off oxygen which also effected his brain and ways of thinking. It was the most horrific yet beautiful thing I have been honored to do in my 29ish years.. I didnt quite understand it then, why I had to do it ( I wish I could make the I a big bold cap screaming at you) why I had to see it or why I had to deal with it… He was my person, he got me, he was my dad… and I mean that with each word that is typed he was my dad… I didnt understand why me who loved him so much had to deal with all of this pain and just shit…. but after, way after I totally got it…. I wasnt mad at God anymore, I actually thanked him for allowing me to have that time. You see no matter how ugly it was some days, how beautiful it was somedays, how MAD I got at him some days, how annoyed I was some days with our 5 hour trips to Walmart desifering between which Ranch he got last time, God knew I needed this… I needed to see ALLLLLL of this, because when it was time for him to go to Heaven that I would have peace and I would know why it was his time to go.

Fast forward.

He was cremated.

I’ve had him for five years.

Now lets get weird…..

He has been warm, take care of, life has been in the walls that surround his urn, kids laughing and music, I could talk to it if I wanted but more than all of that..

I was still taking care of him.

Listen, I get it… the spiritual Crystal who believes in God and heaven and everything that means KNOWS he is not in that beautiful two toned brass container. She knows that he is in heaven with my brother.. She knows what happens when you die.. and that your body is just that, a body…

You see it’s this daughters heart that is having a hard time with it.

Letting go.

Did I ever REALLY let go? Was it ever really FINAL to me?

Now I am not so sure… because after everything was all said and done I still “had” him. I couldn’t hear him or see him but… he was still with me.

Yesterday, my brother laid my dad to rest next to Les… in the ground….

It was honestly for me like it just happened…. all of it. He was finally “gone”

As weird as that makes me sound…

When you lose a loved one you have a viewing, a burial and then that’s it. Its FINAL…. so final its hard to walk away because you know thats that… thats it its over.. its done…

When you cremate someone  and they do not have “set” plans they are gone but not really.. Y’all its so fucking weird.. I wish I could explain it, and maybe those of you who have gone through something similar to this will get it and I wont feel as crazy..

But yesterday after 5 years I lost my dad.

And that sucked.

Dear 90 Days…..

Posted in #losingthedirty30
on March 31, 2017

Okay totally not going to see me naked… those of you whom have, you’re welcome. LMFAO. kidding….. kidding.

Well good morning to you,

I am pretty sure that I have had anxiety for about two weeks thinking about you. Mostly about how you happen to fall on the day that my period is suppose to come, so I am sure I would be bloated… and moody and be holding a lot of water because the God period fairy is a mean whore. Then I thought about the scale.. the best friend of the God Period Fairy, because they are both mean and how much I was dreading getting on that thing…

At the start of this whole thing I was way cocky… give me directions I will take them and make them my bitch…

My “un trainer” Kenny ( which is dumb because he would yell at me and make me do 45 minutes of cardio for having a mini yes a MINI York Peppermint Patty… )

Here are small increments of what I drafted at the end of each month.


The first 4 weeks

Killed me the first 3 weeks, maybe even four… I went to the gym every night with hope and left with a headache, dizzy and enough energy to pour myself in my car and get home and go straight to bed… that is literally all the energy I had in me.. Some days I even had to stop at the store to get me a Gatorade because that is the only thing that would help me feel better. Then on Shoulder day my shoulders would feel like someone was stabbing me with an ice pick…. and in the morning, yep I needed my other arm to hold my arm, up to do my eyeliner… I went in the sauna with Kenny & Leah and I hate it just as bad as I always have… it makes my breathing weird and my heart weird.. I just don’t like it at all…. Leg day. well that was fun to…. pretty sure when he said ” I am holding the weight” he wasn’t holding the weight because it was still that fucking hard… And lets talk about him taking away my green beans and giving me no salt ones, or trading my boiled eggs for oatmeal… ( I hate oatmeal.) Back day welp, that was the scariest day of them all… I was almost positive that I was going to re injure myself and Kenny just kept pushing me, sometimes I would do it with low weight sometimes I would do it with no weight and just get comfortable with the motions… pretty sure I woke up one day and had to lay in bed all day…. I’m still on the train though.. I love having Leah there with me, if she sees my face and knows I cant do anymore she says we are going to be so skinny and well I push out two more 🙂 We have been trying to get the hubs to come work out with us but not sure that is EVER going to happen.. why I don’t know. But whatever….


8 Weeks In

My happy place ❤️

Welp, my tits are gone.

Is this a cruel joke? Couldn’t you have taken it from my belly or arms? Why you gotta make me have no boobies!!

Guess who got new potatoes added to the gross green beans! —-> this girl!! <—- I am pretty sure I slice them as small as I can and take my sweet ass time with each delicious one so I can make love to it with my mouth… If that sounds weird, you haven’t gone with out carbs for days… get back to me when ya feel may… *high five* So the workouts are coming along!! I am  starting to get the hang of it and since I added oatmeal and potatoes every other day I don’t get sick at the gym anymore. Which is AWESOME because I really wasn’t sure how much longer I could go through that bullshit.. I’m stronger now, I feel it and I can see it… When reps were hard at 5 I am making it to 14 and 15 before I want to die… well until the last set then I am pushing hard at about 10 or 11. Shoulder day is my favorite day, I am starting to round out a bit and its freaking exciting…. Leahs traps are still that of a Greek God but yesterday…….. *flipping hair* I saw mine… yep I saw em’ and I screamed and Leah and Kenny laughed and I pretty much didn’t want to move because well I have traps duh! Guess who squatted with 25 lbs plates…… —>me<— I had a bench to sit on and Kenny ( the non trainer * eye roll*) was behind me. After my surgery I was almost positive that was a no go, and I totally rocked it… I have found out that if I do it at the start of leg day I can do it but if I try to do it towards the end I cant my legs are weak and my core is to so it puts to much pressure there. So I just have to go around it it. I also pushed leg plates… I placed my hands on the small of my back and did light weight and to be honest I still dont like how that “feels” it didn’t hurt but its something that I dont want to push I think.. Guess who started coming to the gym….. The hubs <3  Guess who took Kenny away from me…. The hubs… :/  Although I am glad he is here with me and him and Kenny are bro’ing it up. Leah and I know what to do, we just have to put the plays in action… I think we are going to add more cardio in to.


12 Weeks In

Well this month has been a flop so far and I am kind of annoyed… I swear sickness has struck our whole house!! Briysen had strep for 3 days with a high fever so I was up every 3 hours giving him meds, then Gaige had tonsillitis, Lillian had a bowel obstruction, I had the stomach 48 hour virus, the husband had the stomach virus… It has seriously been one thing after another. Then we decided to take a week off, but I think we both needed it… I have moved up in weight this month though which is awesome… I am kinda sad though I have hit a plateau…  I knew I would… but it doesn’t make it any better… what fucking sucks is the stupid bitch ass scale… I SWEAR my clothes fit different…. I can wear shirts I havent in like 3 years and I bought 2 size smaller jeans the other day…. So the husband hid it from me…. because after I stepped on it I ate pizza rolls and threw up my middle finger at him when he tried to open his mouth.  I have been kind of bored this month, same workouts same routines, so I needed to switch it up a bit, Ive added in more cardio and also decided to dance again… I paid the studio fee so if anything I get to go in there and play by myself which is fun to… I also went to Fired up Fitness and danced with Ember, I just love her… and am so proud of everything she has built and believed in, I REALLY need to be a better friend and put more time and effort in to helping her dream grow.. if its a shirt or a class or whatever.. She really rocks my socks.  The husband is killing it, and it pisses me off and makes me proud. He had his blood work done and the doctor says ” have your labs always been this good?”  I said um yep, they have isnt it awesome and all he does is eat Wataburger and fast food all day…. So un  fair! he looks at a piece of chicken an loses 5lbs. Pretty sure I gain it.


Okay so time to talk present… All of that stuff above I wrote at the end or mid month, I wanted to remember how I felt and what I said.. Its kinda like having a baby… you dont remember how bad it sucks because after you get the prize!

I think that is what I am feeling now.

I have learned quite a few things about myself…. somethings I was proud of and somethings I wasn’t. I kinda kept the whole working out thing under wraps, I mean I posted a selfie here and there not anything like I used to do. I needed to do this for me… when I had back surgery it fucked me up in more ways than one. I was on 33 rounds of steroids… ( if you know anything about you they make you a COW and almost impossible weight to lose) and that is not including relaxers, pain pills fluids or antibiotics. I was at one point un able to sit indian style or tie my shoe..  I mentally  pretty much let myself feel sorry for myself and gained weight and said fuck it… one because it was so hard to get it off and two because I went from 25lb dumbells to 5 and 10 lb and if you are a gym go’er you know that is kind of embarrassing… and my heart was broken because the one thing I loved hurt me the most, dance…I was was and still am SOOOOOOOOOOOO scared of re herniating. I would rather not do anything than risk that bullshit again.

I learned I could do the things I Thought I couldnt, that it may not feel the same but it would in time… I learned that I am a binge eater.. I cant have one cookie to cure the craving, because in my head if I have one I have already fucked up so give me the whole sleeve… I learned simple is best for me… I cant do the counting macros or not yet anyways.. I need it simple if it gets to confusing it gets to be to much.

This morning I started my period *eyeroll* So I was going to wait until I was off to take pics but then I decided nope its 90 days…. 90 days is 90 days.

Then I thought about getting on the scale and I decided against it…

I also thought about wearing black shorts and black sports bra to take my pics and again nope…. I want to take the same pose, same swim suit as the NASTY pictures that I hate so much…

When I took the first set of pictures I cried for hours and days. I didn’t know her….

But I know me, and that is who I am starting to feel like again… Is it perfect? Nope… Do I still have more to lose? Yup…. Am I always going to have a mom belly? Probably…. But I am starting to love me again.. and that means more than anything.

Shoulder day ✅

Kenny,

Thanks for being my non trainer trainer. Thank you for pushing me past my limits and knowing when I needed more or when I needed to slow down. Thank you for believing in me & being mean to me when I wasn’t trusting myself or this process. You have taken the time out of your day to help me, text me, be mean to me, tell me how proud you are of me, make me send you pictures of my scale or progress when I didnt want to and my least favorite two  things 1. call me out on my bullshit & 2. Pat me….. Pretty sure you shouldn’t doubt yourself as much as you do in the “non trainer” way. Was I a perfect student? Hahah no but we both know that.. but I did try to give you the most that I could give and can only hope that you are proud of what you see, I may have done it but you helped me get there.  So thank you, & this is only just the beginning. I am going to be sooooooo hot… ( Say it in my voice and do my jump and clap dance…)

I love you.

Here are my Before:

( cute elbow roll Crystal)

Starting Pics

Current Pictures:

Can we just stop for a moment and look at this….. Its my favorite part!

I’m not done, far from it… but I am happy where I am headed.

Ps. I have not measured or stepped on the scale yet, I plan on doing that after Aunt Flow leaves.. maybe, I kinda just want to be happy with what I see for a while and not let those numbers screw this up for me… so we will see.

You can follow my fitness journey HERE

The Land of Oz & the house of no poop

Posted in #losingthedirty30, Dad, Fat Girl Gettin' Her Skinny On
on March 30, 2017

Last night in Texas was one of the many nights to come in Texas I am sure with bad weather.

Spring brings out the Naders ( also known as Tornado’s) and I would really appreciate if they were going to come they would do it before midnight.. 2am with three kids and 3 dogs and a husband that says ” its fine go to bed” is exhausting..

Missed Monday at the gym because I had to take sister to the hospital. She has been complaining about her belly hurting for like 2 weeks, and Monday was the THIRD time I had to pick her up from school mid day with her crying.. No vomit, no runny poo nada… So of course I had to give her the 3rd degree of well we are going to the hospital and your getting shots and they may have to cut you open.. ( hahah I know I am an asshole but listen…. she complains then plays HARD the rest of the day but when bed or school time come around all of a sudden she has a belly ache) So at this point she says ” anything to make my belly not hurt anymore if you trust the doctors”

Then I become a bigger asshole because I totally feel bad now.

So long story short two x-rays and lab work later, she comes back with bowel obstruction… like bad like. Poor girl!! So I totally bought her ice cream and have been consonantly making up for it since Monday.  They prescribed her Miralax and so we have been doing that for two days and still nothing… I am going to give it one more day then call back in to see what comes next.. She is still miserable.

I go to the plastic surgeon tomorrow and is it weird that I am more worried about them marking up my body where I think its “fine” and then having that to then look at like hmmmm totally thought that was an ab 🙂 BAHAHAHAHAHA okay maybe not but whateves.  I am excited to see what they tell me, I mean maybe they will say welp, you’re a fat ass and if you lose the weight this will go to… I mean a girl can dream right?

So my diet has been bloating my belly BAD, and I am pretty sure its the broccoli, so I am now taking that out and adding green beans back in & prob spinach.

Cant I just eat what I want and be thin?

So annoying.

Tonight the hubs and I went to the gym and I did cardio & arms and he went downstairs to do chest. I still have a LOT of work to do and a LOT to lean out but slow progress is good progress to me.

And can I just say how proud of the hubs I am? He has been killin’ it in the gym and he looks mighty tasty y’all…

Soo yesterday… After work I had to go to the funeral home.

Next Friday will embark on the 5 year anniversary of my dad passing.  Those of you who have not lost a parent I dont expect you to understand.. those of you have I am sure you will. Going to the city hall and picking up his death certificate was real, reading it for the first time and seeing things I didn’t know was also pretty crazy. My brother and sister and I have now came to the decision that it was time to lay my dad to rest… no we haven’t had him in the freezer outside, but he was in fact cremated at his request. Cremation is a very quick cheap easy way of a death. I think this is secretly why my dad wanted it done.. He didn’t want us to have to worry about paying for it all since he had nothing planned.. OH and he also stated he didn’t want to be with the bugs.. which is really really fucking with me… but I am praying about it CONSTANTLY. So half of him will be laid to rest with my big brother  and and prayer and grace will be given by my little brother Gavin the other half will be taken to California and placed in the ocean as he wished by my sister Shannon.

I wish I could explain how I am feeling….

You see, I know he has been physically gone from me for 5 years but he has been in my house for those 5 years.. I was still watching over him as I had when he was sick… no one is messing with him, I know where he is and that I can talk or touch the urn if I want to. He is still with me…. as selfish as I know that sounds. I get it I really do.. but he was my person. And I mean that to the up most as I can… This world sometimes feels way to big without him in it. I could go on and on about my relationship with my dad but… all I know is maybe I didn’t grieve before… maybe I skipped that part because he came home with me? I mean I cried and was probably the saddest I had ever been ever.. but, he was still with me. I know I probably sound crazy… but in a week and then in 3 more weeks he will be “gone” and that’s a shitty feeling I have in my heart and stomach.

Going to have to deal with that.. and I am NOT looking forward to it.

In the midst of all the sad and weird and maybe I just need to start my period because I am so emotional about all this.. the lady who walked in to help me the funeral director ( who later told me that she totally didn’t want to walk in and help me hahahaha) was Jamie. I am really not sure what happened but, I am pretty sure me and Jamie were friends in another life..  We took to each other and it was super strange… as we got to talking we found out we had kids the same age, lived in the same neighborhood and had beliefs that mimic  each other and likes to say the F word probably more than we should annnnddd Jesus is okay with it… totes okay with it.

And right when she quoted Step Brothers it pretty much sealed the deal for me.

Pretty much feel like I am dying…soooooo

Posted in #losingthedirty30
on March 23, 2017

I can not believe that the end of the 90 days is next week… this freaks me out.

Makes part of me sad because, well I fell off for about a week and the other part of me happy because about 80% of it was me staying on track.

I am pretty angry about a few things… I will blog all about it when its said and done.

I will also post before and after pics so you can see the transformation.

So I have decided to start running, and no not for time or marathons or anything but just to wake up and take Charlie and go for a run. You see, running and dancing are two things that I have had such a hard time with after surgery, and I am pretty sure that I am not suppose to be running, but then again I don’t even know what that means.

So I ran for two days, and it felt GREAT! I would walk around the block and then I would run the straights walk the curves and will continue to do that until I can run the whole thing. I have this weird breathing thing, like I cant control my breath and yes.. I have tried every technique anyone has told me to and welp, pretty much I feel like I am dying sooo they all suck. 🙂 I am taking today off from running because yesterday my hip/back was giving me some pretty tell tell signs of whoa girl you need to slow your roll.. So I am giving my body a day to recover and will prob continue to do so.. 2 days on 2 days off to see if that gives it time to be okay until I can run every day.

Charlie has been GREAT! I mean I knew he would but I swear I love him so much and he is the best running buddy ever!

Texas has been so freaking crazy, it was freezing cold last week and this week its like July… So yesterday I had to go take Lillian to get Summer clothes because God has blessed her with my legs and this means her shorts from last year basically look like panties :/  So she is all set and ready to go I think, one down two to go and an empty pocket book.. While I was shopping though I saw this shirt and well duh I had to get it! Also, I was cracking myself up all night and the husband was SUPER annoyed….. I kept on saying “why because I never….land?”  He said I am going to throw you in the back of the truck if you dont shut up… I said its okay go ahead and throw me because I’ll never land anyways..

May not be funny now but it sure was yesterday.

We went to the gym yesterday and did Core and Cardio….

My core is very weak but more than that it rarely gets sore from core workouts… they hurt my back more than anything.

I am pretty excited to go to the dr next week and see what he has to say about muscle repair and to see if I am a good candidate for it.

Like how I just threw that in there like its no big deal?

You can follow my journey on this blog & HERE

Being Social In the Spring

Posted in #losingthedirty30, 2017, Fat Girl Gettin' Her Skinny On
on March 21, 2017

Spring is here Spring is here!

I swear I thought I would be skinnier by the time it got here. Hahaha I mean I have to laugh because um Target can kiss my fat ass with all the bathing suits they have out right now… Have yall ever picked up a size small and looked at it? pretty sure it could fit Lillian…

I had the stomach bug last week for four LONG days. remember those times that you said ” I am the stomach flu away from my goal weight” well that’s not that funny when it finally happens to you. NO goal weight reached which was a double wammy.

Finally I started feeling better on Sunday and so the husband and I decided to get some yard work done & I had a great idea of two swings on our back porch that he totally made come to life <3

Our new swings ❤️

I used to be crazy obsessed with reading blogs. I am pretty sure everything that I was obsessed with that actually took time out of my day had to do with me not working, or wait working but doing photography and staying at home with my last little.

Ah, I wonder if I have ever told my husband thank you for allowing me to soak up that time with her? Hmmm I highly doubt it maybe I will do that.

Now she is all big and stuff… *sniff sniff*

☀️

Random I know.

Anyways, with me blogging a bit more I started to remember all the blogs I used to follow and love to read, then I remembered that I used to have a website I went to called Bloglovin’ that I had all of my blogs on one page and I would read them at night or when I was in the tub. So I went and logged on there today and low and behold most of my blog friends have stopped blogging..

Except for Skinny Meg and I have no idea how that gal keeps up with so many social media outlets.. Good for her!

Ohh man I used to love hose fill in the blank Friday blogs.

I constantly struggle with the want to simplify and the need to stay connected. Am I the only one?

Like Facebook…. listen y’all I hate it, I really do and I rarely try to use the word hate but I dont like it… I mean I rarely get on there and think, ” Wow I sure am glad I logged on to Facebook today!” I mean do you?  Here is the kicker…. mostly every app I have or use or pay for is connected to that damn thing. Like Spotify, want to delete Facebook welp, prepare to lose all your music, yes even if you have a premium account and pay for it. That is just one of the ones to name a few, and not to mention it has so many dang pictures on there that are ONLY on Facebook which I highly regret most days when I stop to think about it.  I do in fact like it for High School Reunion stuff, the quick dinner ideas or just asking a question to your friends list like where to buy this or that… it comes in handy. Gaige has been asking for a Facebook but I am going to dodge that bullet as long as I possibly can.

Then I have Instagram, which is my favorite app of them all, Instagram is just pictures and quotes and mostly just happy pictures or funny ones.. at the end of each year I print out a Family Year book and it truly makes me happy. Plus I allow my kids to have an Instagram, so I can stalk them duh….. So I keep it pretty clean or try to…  I today actually decided that I was going to make a “sister” instagram account for all my fitness stuff… You may think its silly but for me, well at the end of the year you dont know how annoying it is going through pictures of me at the gym or food just to find the sweet picture of Lillian picking her nose and eating her boogers 🙂 So I have one just for me and my fitness journey.

Then I have a Snapchat, so I can say fuck.

Pretty simple.

How awful is that huh, hahahahaha. I am almost positive that Snapchat will die out for me, it kinda already is…  I will miss the skinny filter though once I do divorce it.

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