Okay totally not going to see me naked… those of you whom have, you’re welcome. LMFAO. kidding….. kidding.
Well good morning to you,
I am pretty sure that I have had anxiety for about two weeks thinking about you. Mostly about how you happen to fall on the day that my period is suppose to come, so I am sure I would be bloated… and moody and be holding a lot of water because the God period fairy is a mean whore. Then I thought about the scale.. the best friend of the God Period Fairy, because they are both mean and how much I was dreading getting on that thing…
At the start of this whole thing I was way cocky… give me directions I will take them and make them my bitch…
My “un trainer” Kenny ( which is dumb because he would yell at me and make me do 45 minutes of cardio for having a mini yes a MINI York Peppermint Patty… )
Here are small increments of what I drafted at the end of each month.
The first 4 weeks
Killed me the first 3 weeks, maybe even four… I went to the gym every night with hope and left with a headache, dizzy and enough energy to pour myself in my car and get home and go straight to bed… that is literally all the energy I had in me.. Some days I even had to stop at the store to get me a Gatorade because that is the only thing that would help me feel better. Then on Shoulder day my shoulders would feel like someone was stabbing me with an ice pick…. and in the morning, yep I needed my other arm to hold my arm, up to do my eyeliner… I went in the sauna with Kenny & Leah and I hate it just as bad as I always have… it makes my breathing weird and my heart weird.. I just don’t like it at all…. Leg day. well that was fun to…. pretty sure when he said ” I am holding the weight” he wasn’t holding the weight because it was still that fucking hard… And lets talk about him taking away my green beans and giving me no salt ones, or trading my boiled eggs for oatmeal… ( I hate oatmeal.) Back day welp, that was the scariest day of them all… I was almost positive that I was going to re injure myself and Kenny just kept pushing me, sometimes I would do it with low weight sometimes I would do it with no weight and just get comfortable with the motions… pretty sure I woke up one day and had to lay in bed all day…. I’m still on the train though.. I love having Leah there with me, if she sees my face and knows I cant do anymore she says we are going to be so skinny and well I push out two more 🙂 We have been trying to get the hubs to come work out with us but not sure that is EVER going to happen.. why I don’t know. But whatever….
8 Weeks In
My happy place ❤️
Welp, my tits are gone.
Is this a cruel joke? Couldn’t you have taken it from my belly or arms? Why you gotta make me have no boobies!!
Guess who got new potatoes added to the gross green beans! —-> this girl!! <—- I am pretty sure I slice them as small as I can and take my sweet ass time with each delicious one so I can make love to it with my mouth… If that sounds weird, you haven’t gone with out carbs for days… get back to me when ya feel may… *high five* So the workouts are coming along!! I am starting to get the hang of it and since I added oatmeal and potatoes every other day I don’t get sick at the gym anymore. Which is AWESOME because I really wasn’t sure how much longer I could go through that bullshit.. I’m stronger now, I feel it and I can see it… When reps were hard at 5 I am making it to 14 and 15 before I want to die… well until the last set then I am pushing hard at about 10 or 11. Shoulder day is my favorite day, I am starting to round out a bit and its freaking exciting…. Leahs traps are still that of a Greek God but yesterday…….. *flipping hair* I saw mine… yep I saw em’ and I screamed and Leah and Kenny laughed and I pretty much didn’t want to move because well I have traps duh! Guess who squatted with 25 lbs plates…… —>me<— I had a bench to sit on and Kenny ( the non trainer * eye roll*) was behind me. After my surgery I was almost positive that was a no go, and I totally rocked it… I have found out that if I do it at the start of leg day I can do it but if I try to do it towards the end I cant my legs are weak and my core is to so it puts to much pressure there. So I just have to go around it it. I also pushed leg plates… I placed my hands on the small of my back and did light weight and to be honest I still dont like how that “feels” it didn’t hurt but its something that I dont want to push I think.. Guess who started coming to the gym….. The hubs <3 Guess who took Kenny away from me…. The hubs… :/ Although I am glad he is here with me and him and Kenny are bro’ing it up. Leah and I know what to do, we just have to put the plays in action… I think we are going to add more cardio in to.
12 Weeks In
Well this month has been a flop so far and I am kind of annoyed… I swear sickness has struck our whole house!! Briysen had strep for 3 days with a high fever so I was up every 3 hours giving him meds, then Gaige had tonsillitis, Lillian had a bowel obstruction, I had the stomach 48 hour virus, the husband had the stomach virus… It has seriously been one thing after another. Then we decided to take a week off, but I think we both needed it… I have moved up in weight this month though which is awesome… I am kinda sad though I have hit a plateau… I knew I would… but it doesn’t make it any better… what fucking sucks is the stupid bitch ass scale… I SWEAR my clothes fit different…. I can wear shirts I havent in like 3 years and I bought 2 size smaller jeans the other day…. So the husband hid it from me…. because after I stepped on it I ate pizza rolls and threw up my middle finger at him when he tried to open his mouth. I have been kind of bored this month, same workouts same routines, so I needed to switch it up a bit, Ive added in more cardio and also decided to dance again… I paid the studio fee so if anything I get to go in there and play by myself which is fun to… I also went to Fired up Fitness and danced with Ember, I just love her… and am so proud of everything she has built and believed in, I REALLY need to be a better friend and put more time and effort in to helping her dream grow.. if its a shirt or a class or whatever.. She really rocks my socks. The husband is killing it, and it pisses me off and makes me proud. He had his blood work done and the doctor says ” have your labs always been this good?” I said um yep, they have isnt it awesome and all he does is eat Wataburger and fast food all day…. So un fair! he looks at a piece of chicken an loses 5lbs. Pretty sure I gain it.
Okay so time to talk present… All of that stuff above I wrote at the end or mid month, I wanted to remember how I felt and what I said.. Its kinda like having a baby… you dont remember how bad it sucks because after you get the prize!
I think that is what I am feeling now.
I have learned quite a few things about myself…. somethings I was proud of and somethings I wasn’t. I kinda kept the whole working out thing under wraps, I mean I posted a selfie here and there not anything like I used to do. I needed to do this for me… when I had back surgery it fucked me up in more ways than one. I was on 33 rounds of steroids… ( if you know anything about you they make you a COW and almost impossible weight to lose) and that is not including relaxers, pain pills fluids or antibiotics. I was at one point un able to sit indian style or tie my shoe.. I mentally pretty much let myself feel sorry for myself and gained weight and said fuck it… one because it was so hard to get it off and two because I went from 25lb dumbells to 5 and 10 lb and if you are a gym go’er you know that is kind of embarrassing… and my heart was broken because the one thing I loved hurt me the most, dance…I was was and still am SOOOOOOOOOOOO scared of re herniating. I would rather not do anything than risk that bullshit again.
I learned I could do the things I Thought I couldnt, that it may not feel the same but it would in time… I learned that I am a binge eater.. I cant have one cookie to cure the craving, because in my head if I have one I have already fucked up so give me the whole sleeve… I learned simple is best for me… I cant do the counting macros or not yet anyways.. I need it simple if it gets to confusing it gets to be to much.
This morning I started my period *eyeroll* So I was going to wait until I was off to take pics but then I decided nope its 90 days…. 90 days is 90 days.
Then I thought about getting on the scale and I decided against it…
I also thought about wearing black shorts and black sports bra to take my pics and again nope…. I want to take the same pose, same swim suit as the NASTY pictures that I hate so much…
When I took the first set of pictures I cried for hours and days. I didn’t know her….
But I know me, and that is who I am starting to feel like again… Is it perfect? Nope… Do I still have more to lose? Yup…. Am I always going to have a mom belly? Probably…. But I am starting to love me again.. and that means more than anything.
Shoulder day ✅
Thanks for being my non trainer trainer. Thank you for pushing me past my limits and knowing when I needed more or when I needed to slow down. Thank you for believing in me & being mean to me when I wasn’t trusting myself or this process. You have taken the time out of your day to help me, text me, be mean to me, tell me how proud you are of me, make me send you pictures of my scale or progress when I didnt want to and my least favorite two things 1. call me out on my bullshit & 2. Pat me….. Pretty sure you shouldn’t doubt yourself as much as you do in the “non trainer” way. Was I a perfect student? Hahah no but we both know that.. but I did try to give you the most that I could give and can only hope that you are proud of what you see, I may have done it but you helped me get there. So thank you, & this is only just the beginning. I am going to be sooooooo hot… ( Say it in my voice and do my jump and clap dance…)
I love you.
Here are my Before:
( cute elbow roll Crystal)
Can we just stop for a moment and look at this….. Its my favorite part!
I’m not done, far from it… but I am happy where I am headed.
Ps. I have not measured or stepped on the scale yet, I plan on doing that after Aunt Flow leaves.. maybe, I kinda just want to be happy with what I see for a while and not let those numbers screw this up for me… so we will see.
You can follow my fitness journey HERE