This is 35

Posted in HAPPY BIRTHDAY
on November 25, 2017

Happy Birthday to me!

Well, yesterday anyway.

35 Things I’ve learned by 35…

 

  1.  I’ve learned that the most important thing in life, business, motherhood and all else is to never compromise on your integrity. Don’t compromise yourself — you’re all you’ve got, and who ever doesn’t respect that.. fuck em’
  2.  I’ve learned that God doesn’t give us what we want; He gives us what we need. Every time. And although it may not seem like it in the moment, and we may be frustrated or angry, in the end, it’s always what we need to grow, but its our choice to choose to go that way or choose to go our own way..
  3. I’ve learned it’s always important to have fun and be silly. The funnier and sillier, the happier.
  4. I’ve learned that I still have lessons to learn..
  5. I’ve learned that until your belly is full you will not make any impactful decisions
  6.  I’ve learned not to take no for an answer. I have never taken no for an answer if I believe in something, and it has served me well. Fight for what you want. And don’t you be lazy! Never be afraid to dream big, and put it out into the universe. If you work hard enough, the universe will listen. I’ve learned that the harder I work, the luckier I get.
  7. I have learned I am proud of myself, I worked my ass off to get here..  and I am DONE feeling guilty about it.
  8. I’ve learned marriage is hard.
  9.  I’ve learned that sometimes you win. Sometimes you learn.
  10. I’ve learned that the line is thin between pushing your child to the limit in order to not raise a quitter, and pulling back to not turn them off from life. I struggle daily.
  11. I’ve learned that God thinks I am a badass and can handle more than I think I can, but look at me.. doing this shit… crawling some days but doing it..
  12. I’ve learned being a parent is the scariest thing I’ve ever had to do in my entire life.
  13. I’ve learned that its okay if everyone doesn’t like me, its also okay to not be everyone’s best friend.
  14. I’ve learned to say no, and that being okay to say..
  15. I’ve learned to listen more, like seriously shut up Crystal… and sometimes when talking to God if I just shut up I may hear what he has to say back to me as well.
  16.  People make time for what is important to them, if they dont make time for you then its just not that important to them.
  17.  I’ve learned my kids are getting  older and I shouldn’t feel bad about spending more time with them that I do our with friends… because soon, they will be gone and I’ll have nothing but time.. those who understand and love me will be there waiting with a margarita.
  18.  I’ve learned no one has it all together.
  19. TRUST YOUR GUT…. that bitch is always right.. even when you dont want her to be she is.
  20. Ive learned that I need “me time” to be sane… and that doesn’t mean a bath with no kids.. that means me on a plane going somewhere to catch my breath and Ive also learned that me time is okay.. Nature heals.
  21. I’ve learned that people who cant hold their alcohol really annoy me.. and in men I find it disgusting
  22. I’ve learned that when I think “If this happens I’ll be happy” there is a way deeper issue going on that I should probably look into
  23. I’ve learned that it’s okay to not be okay…
  24. I’ve learned that I shouldn’t cut my hair, I”ll hate it.. also you cant love it more by chopping your bangs yourself
  25. I’ve learned that you dont know how long they will be here so always end with an I Love You and mean it
  26. I’ve learned the smartest person in the room is never the one who’s doing the most talking.
  27. I’ve learned no one has the same heart as you so stop expecting that and cracking your own.
  28. I’ve learned to forgive myself
  29. I’ve learned Wine makes me happy, Beer makes me full & Vodka gets me drunk
  30. I’ve learned it’s okay to be emotional.. I just feel things all the way through & there is nothing weak about that.
  31. I’ve learned I will always miss my dad no matter how much time passes…
  32. I’ve learned deep down you already know the truth you question…
  33. I’ve learned that feeling like you don’t have a choice is a choice
  34. I’ve learned I’ve done so many things right when I thought I was doing so many things so wrong.. ( raising kids ) and I just need to slow down and breathe
  35. I’ve learned that at 35 I am still searching for myself… and I’ve also learned that that’s okay…

I am me, I will and always will be true to myself. I laugh with my whole face & I love with my whole heart.

Cheers to 35 more years.

 

Thankful Day 1 : God

Posted in 30 days of Thanks
on November 1, 2017

I am going to try this 30 days of thanks this November.

Today is God.

I am thankful for his strength & guidance.

These last few months have been one of the hardest times in my life, and for me that is saying much.. The seasons have come and gone in waves and when normally I am riding the waves it seems like I have been hit in the face and almost drowned over and over again. There has been no constant… I have tried to find the lesson in each day or week and in return I am left half broken or bent wondering what to do the next day or week.

You see I am a planner. Not like a planner of plans because I hate plans, but the ship should run a certain way..

Things are either black or white with me.

I hate gray….

I hate the unknown, someone telling me to wait or I have something to tell you but I cant tell you right now..

Or not being able to “fix” things.

It makes my skin crawl and gives me super bad anxiety.

Each day though, the one thing that has been constant is prayer.

I have prayed more these last few months than I have in quite some time, I have prayed for forgiveness, understanding, I have prayed for my mouth ( haha nooooo) and my mind. I have prayed for peace and especially for guidance.

You see so many people say ” You’re so strong Crystal! I dont know how you do it” but want to know a secret?

I dont know how I do it either.

If it wasnt for God basically picking me up and carrying me half way through anything that I am brought to I wouldn’t be strong… I dont lean on man.. I lean on him. Sometimes I feel like I am in it alone, because I am human and I have weak weak times.. but I am soon comforted by the words of him and it brings peace over my head and heart and I slow down to take a deep breath.

On Sunday’s I go in and fill my cup up with some Pastor Jay at Center Point Church and it takes me through the week or days ahead.. I am a crier at church yall… that music gets me tah bawlin’ but I just lay it all down, you see I dont have to be strong there.. I just weep and feel safe doing so. I bet the people of the church are like O’p the crying girl is back hahahahaha but I walk out cleansed each week and I love that.

So anyway. Today I am thankful for my faith, for God and his guidance.

Because without it I would be lost.

That Balance

Posted in #losingthedirty30
on October 24, 2017

I am the worlds worst at balance.

In any aspect of life.. I am either all in or all out of something, once I am done with it I am done with it.

This isnt a very good character to have.

So if you are trying to guess yes this is about my weight, and if you are bored with this best move along now…

You see my dads side ( whom I take after) is pretty much all obese. So, what that means for me is I am not one who can diet get to a certain weight and stop, it has to be a complete lifestyle change for me. This is something I struggle with daily.. I get on these kicks of going to he gym, eating chicken and veggies and dropping a shit ton of weight and looking good.. once I get to that point its so easy and has been done many times of thinking welp Im here pass the bread basket and butter yall!

Then I just end up very quickly at step one again.

Its really quite annoying.

I am a whopping 188lbs.

Well thats embarrassing to say outloud, but its the truth.

I have again let myself get to a place where I am just here, not healthy and hate everything I put on.. I even had to go to the store and buy me new pants yall, because last time I did this I threw away all of my size 12 & 14’s because I “was not going to let myself get to that size again” and here I sit in all my glory.  Working out with Kenny was awesome… I got super small ( for me) and had the endurance that I had never had before. Which was also awesome.

Here is the problem with that though… again I am either all in or all out.

I have come to a point in my life where I am 34 ( almost 35) and I am ready to find some balance… a balance where I am not choking and gagging on crock pot chicken 5 times a day, where I am getting sick thinking of egg whites and and peeing all night because I drank the last of my gallon an hour before bed. IF I am being true to myself I know and I mean KNOW that is not the lifestyle for me.. and yes I understand its a LIFESTYLE change.  I also need to know what my triggers are.. like I swell. bad. I retain water like a mofo and I know this… so what this means for me is that I have to eat less salt, and no I dont put salt on my food I just like salty foods… but I know that is a huge downfall for me and I have to be cautious of that.. Also, I have started to try and eliminate dairy from my diet as much as I can.. I have had allergies FOREVER.. like I am never not stopped up or blowing my nose ever. I have done some reading and have found that milk and dairy products play a huge roll in people who suffer with allergies. huh, who would have thought! So… yesterday was my first dairy free day and so far so good.. the only hard art is thinking of what I feed my family and everything is pretty much covered in cheese or has milk….. so that sucks.

So, I started back at the gym yesterday and started logging my food again in my fit pal, I have also made it private so no one can see my journal… no not because I am trying to hide it but because I need to be honest with myself first… I mean stuffing your face with pizza in the moment is one thing but having to log it makes you feel like you did when you mom said she was disappointed in you.

What does this mean? Well I think it means, or I know it means I want to try again… I want to feel good in my skin again. This time though I am looking at it with different eyeballs. I dont want to compete in anything, or against anyone.. all I want to do is feel good in a pair of jeans and not have to cry everytime I think about having to wear something other than my scrubs for work.  I am ready to find my balance… With this I KNOW its going to take way more time… I know it is going to be a slow process but this is something I am ready to do for me. So instead of eating 7 times a day and gagging my veggies down and I am going to try a different approach. I am going to just make healthier choices each day and then when I want to eat something I will ask myself is this really worth it? Or should I opt out for a salad or a lettuce wrap…

There has been SO MUCH go on in my life the last 4 months.. so much, that I think I got in depression and stopped caring about myself. There was just far to many other people and things I had to tend to.. My house went from feeding 5 to feeding 8… getting 5 ready to getting 8 ready… and so on. It has taken a financial bind on me, a mental bind on me and an emotional bind on me… in retrospect I forgot about Crystal… My energy and happy was sucked out from all angles. It still is if I am being true to myself and to my blog.. That is a very scary feeling… I dont think I have felt this way since I had post pardum with Briysen 12 years ago. That is how weird my body and mind feels… Ahh that feels good to say outloud. Well kinda good kinda scary.. I had a huge breakdown on Sunday morning… I couldnt stop crying all day… my head was going a million miles to nothing and I just couldnt handle anything… I wanted to cry all day and stay locked in my dark room. Does this have everything to do with my weight? no… actually it has very little to do with it. But I will tell you this… if YOU dont feel good then you cant expect anything around you to go any better… its almost like you get lost in the shadows and then look up and you have no idea who is looking back at you.

Scary.

So what this all means is I am going to make it a point to make ME a point… I have done a lot of praying.. a lot of praying. So the gym for me needs to be an outlet, a balance, me time and to get my happy endorphins flowing again. It needs to be about balance.. when I feel good my world looks a lot brighter. Right now I am at the stage where I would find any excuse not to go to the gym, when I get there I am still questioning myself if I want to stay or go but when I leave I am exhausted and happy I went. I know this is all rambling.. I totally get that… but its just how and what I need right now. Its like I have all these life suckers… they are all on me and I am drained. But.. I am allowing it. that’s not okay.

So… I am trying to find my balance.

Slowly a balance that I can maintain and be happy with me again.

Will I start freaking out and prepping chicken again.. yep. I will I know me well enough, but I have a big sign on my computer that says remember the balance and everything cant be fixed in a day… I also set an alarm on my phone that reminds me that Ive got this and I know that I ma tired but go to the gym.. even if its to walk, you need to go.

 So, do you have balance? If so how do you obtain it? How do you stay on it? Are you like me where you’re all in or all out? how do you remind yourself to keep pushing forward?

When life hits you in the vagina….

Posted in Here she goes again
on October 5, 2017

I wish I could just throw up here. But… truth be told I cant some stuff is not mine to tell.

This has always been my get out, my way of explaining things I cant verbally say and here I sit for the ehhh about 12th time writing a blog and wondering will I delete this one to? I swear the last three months have done everything but made me skinny. I think I have slid right into a mild form of depression and I guess I thought my sanity was somewhere between a bean burrito and just not eating. I cant even write right now with so much going on in my house.. so lets take a pause.

Well it was a month when I wrote the above.. I actually talked to a guy friend of mine today about some issues that he was having and how I try and cope with the curve balls that life throws directly at my vagina.. I told him I used to blog, but I was to scared to let my hands do the explaining because at that moment I didnt know what they would have to say. Maybe I was scared to? Scared of what they would have to say *shrugs* I’m not really quite sure.  All I know is this is like going home drunk and your dad or mom being awake and you having to make eye contact with them. Its ether going to go really good and them tell you to go to bed or its going to go really bad and you are going to be grouned for the rest of your life.

I almost said Fucking to one of the kids tonight, after I almost let it slip I walked in to my room and just started bawling my eyes out.

That’s how over the top my life is right now.

That’s not me, that’s not the mom I am, that’s not the person I am..

I think I am always wanting to do the right thing, whats right is what I ask my self on a constant.  Not what do I want to do or what should I do but what is the RIGHT decision to make. Man, the right decision sometimes gives you way more than you thought you were willing to bite off and then you are basically stuck chewing that for ehhh… maybe the next five years or so? Knowing that you make the right decision is important but lets just learn from me and say before you jump on whats right maybe you should also think about the long run before you do so.

Today is a hard day, and I say that openly.

Today is a hard day.

But guess what, courage does not always roar sometimes its the quiet voice at the end of the day that says we will try again tomorrow.

Crys-

The art of le’ blog

Posted in Uncategorized
on July 19, 2017

One of my 1st pictures on this blog. Briysen & The girl who tanned every.single.day Sharing old pics on this blog..

 I for real think I have had a blog since I was pregnant with Gaige. At one time it was called something else then after attending a conference on the “rules of blogging” I then and there decided I have never been much of a “rule follower” especially when it comes to my heart and brain that I would just toss it up to be about everything and call it Crystal Michelle’s Mess.

About twice a month I will get an email from someone who reads the blog or has come across it and asks me how I got started, how I stay afloat and do I make money from the blog, so I thought I would give you a few tid bits on my in’s and outs of blogging.

I need it ALLLLLL & Topic

So you will find some really impressive blogs out there.. Listen Linda, all you really need at this point is a web domain and an idea.. I mean why do you want a blog anyway? This is the biggest question of them all… Are you in to fitness and have a ton of weight to lose? Are you a  breastfeeding mom? Have a shopping problem, and love fashion? Travel a lot ? Or… Like me, you just have entirely to much to say and spent a majority of your day behind a desk or talking to small ears that you cant say Fuck in front of and feel comfortable..

See I really just come here to cuss…

But really this is going to be how you get your audience, if you even want one.. some people just need a place to “be” and others blog to create something bigger.

I have to be honest.. that has been a struggle that I have faced more than once… Should I turn mine into a fitness blog? Then I tried to for a split second and started getting hate mail of why I dont write anymore. Plus, lets be honest, I am not that “fit” anyways I have always been “fitish” with a side of fries… To where I have kinda sorta come to terms with this just being my place. I will prob never have a large audience and thats okay! Plus I have seen what internet trolls do to people and um no thanks.

I wouldn’t spend to much time or money in to making it something you don’t even know that you like… or don’t like for that matter! GO to a free site like like blogger and get you a small free blog and see if it tickles your fancy! IF it does and you start to really enjoy it then you can always move on to bigger and better things.. It can be expensive if you think you have to have it all right now.

Being under a microscope 

This can be good and bad.

Good you have people that read your shit now.

Bad you have people that read your shit now.

The art of blogging is sometimes to be brutally honest, no one wants to read blogs with no meat… kinda like this one, hahaha anyone who hasn’t wanted to start a blog isn’t reading anymore..

Putting your life out there is scary sometimes especially when you feel pulled to write about it. Normally those are the times you are vulnerable and think I cant be the only one who goes through this… It takes ONE right share for shit to go viral on the internet now. Then boom you have people reading from 60 weeks back and now you have something shared that gets CPS called on you because you write about hitting your kid in the head with a door on accident and she had to get stitches…. Or it goes the other way and you end up on Ellen… then there is that… I guess.  I have seen people get divorced because of shit they shared on their blogs and friendships breakup.

I know you are giggling but its seriously part of your life you are offering.

You have to be ready for that, your spouse has to be ready for that or you have to have an agreement of what you will and wont share.

Making Money

I really haven’t dove in to this much.. I mean I have gotten free stuff to try here and there but I haven’t ever written a sponsored post and have turned down quite a few.. BUT that isn’t for everyone! If something came across that I would, then I would…. but I am not going to drink fit tea and tell you its how I lost weight because they pay me 100 bucks…. Not how I work, but you can and some do! Most of the time when people make money from blogs it’s because they sell something or have such a large following  that they have sponsored post.

Basically.

I mean I like money, someone pass the hair gummy people my name.

The few rules I do-ish follow…

Post in the mornings EARLY or at night at 8/9ish… that is when people wake up or are relaxing for the day

Pictures. add them.

Make a I am going to post a blog days… ( I totally suck lama balls at this)

Get a hash tag

Post your blogs on your social media sites… ( this is when you start having diarrhea because people you know will read your shit.. and judge you….)

My Advice.

I love my blog….

It’s not huge, ( thats what she said) but its mine.

I wish some days I didn’t have people I know read it so I could say when and what I wanted to but that is something that I will get over eventually and just say it and not care.. If you feel passionate to write do it, what EVER you feel passionate about I say do it. Start small, figure out what you want your blog to be called and just start writing..

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